Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Rita]

Ah, fear. It looks like it’s about to loose it’s grip on you...

Fear has not lost the grip yet but I am starting to battle it.

Like yesterday when I was literally fielding texts from my STBX L about an 11th hour half deal while I was filling out the retainer for the new L, running outside to call my best friend to agonize over what to do (fire or not fire) and finally took the plunge and signed with new lawyer. After I did it, I felt good for an hour, then the fear took hold, hard. I was able to look at it a little and realize that now that I had followed what I thought was best for my kids, I was overcome with feelings of shame and worthlessness. Hello there, Inner Child! So I sat wit that and slowly it went away until this morning when I felt like I had made the right choice and didn't need to apologize for doing what I thought was best for the kids -- and me.

In the afternoon I got word from my new L that H's L had sent him a letter with first paragraph of welcome and second paragraph saying he would be filing for contempt tomorrow. Happy Holidays! I spiraled into panic and fear and then I remembered that this is all to be expected, and all I have to do is weather it, and the worst case scenario is more screaming from judge and me having to follow the bad agreement instead of dismissing it.

The next fear, H coming back and Noble Gerda. Do you feel these are tied together? That you must be noble for there to be a chance for H’s return?

I think you are seeing beyond that now. Seeing passed the irrational coupling of those. H’s possible return is mostly decided from his path, not your’s.

Nice try, Fred Bob Sam Mark Rick Ken Sean Copernicus Shadrach Vassilly Tutenkhamen Gilgamesh Odin Fake DnJ, and I love your line about a return being decided from his path and not mine but we are a looooooooooooong way away from that irrational coupling being consciously uncoupled. I may be able to see it in the old brain but the cellular memory has a loooooooooong way to go. And I still can't help but notice that my path can stay relatively straight or it can amble so far off into the blackberries that no path of H's would ever lead him to a place where he could find me.