Persistant Endurance (Part 7)

[curtis7]

You can't follow that author's instructions, b/c you can't go NC with your WW. You can't detach, and you can't leave her alone.

Plan A doesn’t involve NC, which is probably why it’s better suited for me, b/c you’re right, I struggle immensely with NC. Especially when my WW has been more receptive and open to being in my presence over the past few months. I’m sure as you know Plan B is absolute NC.

So then, you send her an email, which IMHO, lacked something. Maybe b/c you have already said this stuff, in one way or another. How was this different from the other talks? I don't think it was. You labeled it Plan A, and basically, said the same stuff again.

I never shared with her exactly what I would need (NC with APs and honest) in a new MR succinctly. I also never presented a loving view of what it would be like to R where she wouldn’t be shamed and judged as we worked towards forgiveness while rebuilding trust.

You just want to win her back, and if one tactic doesn't do the job, you look for another one, and add your own version. All you've shown her is more of the same controlling man, and that cancels all your flowery promises about a future relationship. Like some other LBH's, you have not done the work on yourself, but you want her to trust you to be a better H after she gives up her affairs, etc.

I wholly disagree. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself. I have made enormous strides in being a better husband, father, listener, communicator, and leader. I am grateful, less selfish, more generous, more compassionate. I am able to sense the feelings of others. I am AMOAFWL. Yes, I do want her to trust me to be a better H once she gives up the A’s. WW is a year behind me in doing the work. Can I trust her to come along and be a better W working with me to build a MR that never falls into this level of despair again?

You've already given her a list showing divided assets, when you gave the Robx speech. It didn't create the desired results you were hoping to get, so on another occasion, you asked her what she thought about the list........ and you went into another R talk. If you ask her what she wants in the settlement, she's going to give you her default answer........"I don't know". So, what's the next step forward?

Well, you couldn't wait, so you had another R talk the day before Thanksgiving. That really was a short period of time!

The next step forward is to present the draft settlement.

Let’s review the timeline:
May 4th: I give her the PuppyDogTails I will not live in an open MR speech late night at her place with no boundary to enforce. This was after S8 told me WW was texting OM3 all day and ignoring him and she was about to send me an email to divide assets.

September 27-29: W says she loves me at Retrouvaille but refuses to end contact with OM.

October 23rd: I give her the RobX speech and asset list after she clearly has little interest in keeping up with the Retrouvaille follow-up work.

November 9th: I’m ready to get on with it and ask if she has the asset list ready after I learn she was arranging a hookup with OM2. R talk occurs and she brings up the idea of dating me while the A’s continue.

November 12th: I send her the Plan A email after she spends the night at OM3’s.

November 28th: Thanksgiving R talk after she sends nude selfies to OM the night before. I ask if she’s ready to come with me and rebuild as stated in the email. I put D fully on the table as the lies continue.

As you can see, my actions and talks have been highly reactionary when I discovered something or my tolerance of bad behavior built up over a period of time.

I feel that I have been in Plan A for a good portion of the past year. So, I wouldn’t say it was a short amount of time. She has been able to see how I’m a much better H in so many ways.

Neffer posted “It’s Enough” on my thread before I gave her the RobX speech. That phrase hit home with me after all of the BS. Also, some very pointed posts from you, JoeJoe, LH, and others in recent months have helped restore my confidence, help me believe that I have value, deserve respect, and can stand up to my WW to share my feelings, wants, needs, and call her out on crap behavior.

I think these affairs have hurt your male ego a lot. I'm sure it would hurt anyone to know their spouse has had an affair.

You’re probably right. I am very competitive by nature. I often asked myself what do the OM give her that I wasn’t able to. It hurt badly for a long time. I do realize these are affair downs and she will be the one that will hurt more in the long run if we don’t R and she realizes the cruel way she chose to end our MR and destroy our family.

I realize you are trying to reach through her fog, but whenever it becomes pressure.......you lose her. I don't know what it will take for you to finally see. You've been so hellbent on telling her everything you read about WW's, that you've missed getting it yourself.

I am shining a light back on the MR and trying to reach through the fog and help her see. I know the lighthouse doesn’t go out to sea to pull a WW in. I just feel that she has not done any work to understand why she is making these choices. So, yes I am attempting to give her insight and the resources she needs to find her way. I think it behooves me to provide this to her. Perhaps one day she will listen to the audiobooks on infidelity or visit websites on affairs to truly figure herself out and learn about what she has been unable to escape. I get it, she doesn’t want to hear any of it while she is WW. However, I feel I did a disservice if we D and I didn’t try to point her towards what could help her beak free of her addiction.