Cross countries separation EU

[Pack_19]

Hi Sandi,

Wow thanks a lot for spending so much time in my posts. I am not sure how to thank you! I guess ciberhugs!

I am really working on my changes for them to be permanent and make me a better man, I am also as you can imagine and read struggling with patience and no pursuing behavior. Exercising and eating well are really helping me on that sense.

So I suggested she moves to Spain and even with the children and then I come over, find a way to conciliate with work and discuss about her feelings. If on the same situation, we could then separate. She answered then it was not a couple's time, it was the end of our M and she had to do it properly and legally.

I signed an agreement where I visit every 15 days, I stay in Germany and then I provide a generous pension because she has taken school lunch of the standard and I contribute half the cost on top of the pension amount. As I said it is a bad agreement for me and the kids, now she does not want my parents to pick up the kids if I am not there and other ugly things. I have found a layer and with the reason of my job change I can push to change the agreement and not confirm it. I have told the lawyer I want to R and I only want a separation with better conditions for me and my family wrt the children. Just to give you another example, I have been in Seville for 2 weeks and she wouldnt let me see them for 30 mins when it is not my weekend. I want to change the agreement, we have to change it but I do not want to make it as if this is war.

I was proud of our life in Germany, after reading your first paragraph turns out I neglected a bunch of important things for her (we did have friends but all 10 to 15 years older than us as we were early parents and we shared children the same age with them and she suffered missing family and friends and not coping with the language quite well). I asked for the separation to happen there, being confident I could revert the situation. However, after coming to spain for summer she came back convinced she had to start over in Spain and if I argued against that she told me she would:

> Sleep with the first guy she came across just to hurt me
> Set up a mediator to pass on children so I never saw her again
> There would be 0 chances of R
> She would fight to take the children away from me because I travel at work

I never threatened to take the children away, I told her we could come back to Spain and change our life but her answer was the problem was me not the location and she was not in love. She said she did not mean to hurt me but she was following feelings and she could not stay unhappy next to me forever. I want to think she still can love me and is acting out of anger and frustration but the way she is pushing me away from the children is make me doubt if there is a chance I can save my M no matter how much work I put on myself.

I am also very intrigued on what you can tell me about the things I heard from her:

> It is all your fault, you need to change and then I need to get to know you, like you, trust you and love you again. This is very unlikely
> Our marriage was never meant to happen, you never loved me
> I am only listening to my feelings, there is nothing wrong with that
> I have been telling you all along, it is impossible to hurt someone unintentionally so long

Truth is when we fought I used to leave confrontation when I was feeling attacked by her. We have had tonnes of communication problems I see now after reading DB and DR. I wake up some days also visualizing the R I want us to have, but as you mentioned it is out of the table now.

I know I can make her happy, I know I cannot force her, I know our M lies on her hands right now and I know our children are top priority for both of us. I tell myself, is been too short, stay strong and make changes permanent for yourself, be the best father no one has ever been but there are still days I find myself crying out of pain. Like my aunt said, I cry at home and go out with no tears left!

Thanks a lot Sandi, cannot wait to hear from you again.