I did a backslide tonight and feel terrible. W and I were previously on the same page on what toys can come to our dinner table. D4 told me W allowed a toy today that wasnt allowed in the past. Being so little and things said often misconstrued, I asked D4 if the toy was on the table or just close by. She said it was on the table and went to find W and thinking she was in trouble for having the toy at the table, she started crying.
Feeling disrespected that W changed the toys at table rule and to see D4 crying over her parents telling her different things, I told W "this seems like good coparenting right now". No yelling or raised voice but there was some frustration and sarcasm in my tone which I regret. I stated that we need to stay on the same page with these things to avoid a situation like this for D4. She apologized and asked me to change my stance. I offered an alternative option which she didnt like so I stood my ground, maintaining our previously held rule.
Over something so minor, either way this panned out, it seemed lose, lose for D4 and I. I want to apologize for my tone, but I'm not sure if thats NGS or fear of a repercussion coming out. Thoughts?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Thanks Steve...how so? I'm not saying that I want to live with us divorced or separated under the same roof, only that living arrangement wise, its almost no different than things are now. In her mind we seem divorced and in mine I'm detaching. Already separated emotionally, just not legally and financially. The more I self improve, the more ugly this limbo feels.
I am reading obsessed. I am seeing a lot of indecision. I am detecting a lot of inner conflict. I also so you floundering (IE your latest post) in being strong, sure, confident, and not impulsive related to your DBing.
I think you would really benefit from a good IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I texted a note of apology. Felt like the right thing, especially as I think the type of action I showed is one I need to maintain my 180 on.
To Steve's point, my actions were impulsive, which I know means were not well thought out. Seeing D4 crying always breaks the heart, but I see its something I need to let her experience as well. Not something for me to fix, same as my W's or anyone else's feeling for that matter. Thankfully I'm in IC, we just have been derailed as the BD was a shock to us both when IC started. Tells you how disconnected I was from W's feelings. The inner conflict does remain strong especially holiday time, the want for a our first happily family xmas pic is real.
Last edited by job; 12/18/1903:04 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I just cant fathom why the process hasn't started yet. If it can take months to years for a D to be finalized. We could still live together to survive if need be even if we divorced or separated...so why won't she start the process? Not saying I like that option but it would not be much different (in living arrangements) compared to where we are now except that I could pursue other relationships when/if I'm ready and she could pursue OM without the guilt, lies and secrets.
Just read this sentence again. I don't think she really wants it Do you want it? Do you want to pursue other women?
I've said this before and it's hard for people to understand If an spouse decides they don't want a D or doesn't do anything to start the D, that doesn't automatically mean they want to work on the M. It's not binary. There will be a long period of just doing not much. Now many LBS cant' handle this and despite claims they are standing for their marriage initiate the D. Patience is something that is absolute required.
I know a lot of vets will require their spouse to say they are working on the M. But that comes in many forms. the spouse has to work on the M in their own way and work on themselves.
I don't know where your W is in this process but it's never as fast and as clear as we would like.
I'm sure I'll get bashed for my comment...but I think I would have apologized in person. You could have then looked her in the eye and apologized and followed up with: "let's work together on any changes to the rules for out little girl so that we don't confuse or upset her again".
Texting, to me, in a case like this is very impersonal....but that's my opinion.
Please note, there is no right or wrong way to do things, but sometimes, we have to try different things. Hopefully, your text will smooth the waters at home.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The inner conflict does remain strong especially holiday time, the want for a our first happily family xmas pic is real.
In the middle of the worst of my situation, we went to a holiday party for my kids daycare. We took probably one of the best Christmas photos we have ever taken. The W looked beautiful, kids are smiling, I look happy. In the end it was all just a show.
I'm sure I'll get bashed for my comment...but I think I would have apologized in person. You could have then looked her in the eye and apologized and followed up with: "let's work together on any changes to the rules for out little girl so that we don't confuse or upset her again".
Texting, to me, in a case like this is very impersonal....but that's my opinion.
I was about to post the exact same thing until I saw this. Completely agree.
I did a backslide tonight and feel terrible. W and I were previously on the same page on what toys can come to our dinner table. D4 told me W allowed a toy today that wasnt allowed in the past. Being so little and things said often misconstrued, I asked D4 if the toy was on the table or just close by. She said it was on the table and went to find W and thinking she was in trouble for having the toy at the table, she started crying.
Feeling disrespected that W changed the toys at table rule and to see D4 crying over her parents telling her different things, I told W "this seems like good coparenting right now". No yelling or raised voice but there was some frustration and sarcasm in my tone which I regret. I stated that we need to stay on the same page with these things to avoid a situation like this for D4. She apologized and asked me to change my stance. I offered an alternative option which she didnt like so I stood my ground, maintaining our previously held rule.
Over something so minor, either way this panned out, it seemed lose, lose for D4 and I. I want to apologize for my tone, but I'm not sure if thats NGS or fear of a repercussion coming out. Thoughts?
Pick your battles. In the big scheme of things is the toy at the table really worth going to battle over? This is going to be one of many many changes that you encounter in her parenting style. Remember, this is not the girl you married!
My other advice is to not react. Take some time, calm down so you aren't emotional when you confront her. Jumping up and confronting her right then was not the right move because you hadn't even had time to process it.
I am with LH, apologize only if you were wrong. Do not apologize just because you feel bad for her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Pick your battles. In the big scheme of things is the toy at the table really worth going to battle over? This is going to be one of many many changes that you encounter in her parenting style. Remember, this is not the girl you married!
My other advice is to not react. Take some time, calm down so you aren't emotional when you confront her. Jumping up and confronting her right then was not the right move because you hadn't even had time to process it.
I am with LH, apologize only if you were wrong. Do not apologize just because you feel bad for her.
Agree, I feel like sometimes the LBS and the WAS use other things as proxy battles for their ongoing conflicts. Just be mindful if that's the case.
