At least you get some interaction. My H just came home from who knows where, and all he said to my D and me was, “I’m closing this door, I’m going to bed” it is 7:30 and he’s sleeping in the living room.
All I can say is they’re in deep, and if they could have seen this when they weren’t in the middle of this, I think they’re be shocked.
Hang in there! You said it yourself that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” you and I are STRONG. Remember that.
I agree it could be worse. She also mentioned something again about growing. She thinks being single would be growing for the next chapter of her life. She doesn’t want to be tied down.
It will never go away. I dream about beating the Sh&t out the OM every now and again. My W is afraid of what would happen if I ever saw him. I have never seen him. I might dropped my shoe down his throat while it remained on my foot. I digress, my soldier coming out.
Ok, listen, you are making this a you against him situation. You need to make it a you only situation. Stop giving him power, your reactions, gives him power in her life. If you ignore him and focus on you then his power/affection dimmers. Your actions tonight light his fire more, when your actions over the last week has been weaking it.
Your WW is not going to have a 180 on her feeling's for him, so don't just place expectations of her all of sudden hating him. That's not how this work. They were in a relationship. And she now has to CHOOSE you over that relationship. It's not an easy choice, but it's the right one and you have to allow her too see that.
Jim and others have told you there will be false starts. She came to your game Good, she didn't sit next to OM good.
You will be on the lookout for her doing wrong, and it's easy to go down that path, but you have to acknowledge all her actions. Good and bad. Stay the course. She's coming home to you. She's telling you her feeling's, she's communicating with you. All these are good signs.
Oh, don't confront this coward of a man. You do that and you provide sympathy for him. No thanks. Let him wallow.
How emotions are as stable as a tower of Jinga blocks. She's going to be all over the place. That's why we call this a roller coaster. It's a ruff ride so hold on tight and get your seat belt buckled.
You are doing great. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Joejoe
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
It's been like two days and you're applying pressure and she already has to remind you she's not working on the marriage. I can also tell it won't be long you will be asking her to come back in the bedroom.
For you to have a successful recon she will have to:
1. See you as a person of value (right now she doesn't) 2. Being willing to work hard on the relationship (right now she isn't) 3. Earn your trust back (obviously too early for that)
It's been like two days and you're applying pressure and she already has to remind you she's not working on the marriage. I can also tell it won't be long you will be asking her to come back in the bedroom.
Actually I moved all her things out of the MB except her closet. This morning she showered and got ready in the other bathroom as well. When I got home I changed the lock on the MB door. So no after seeing the OM and our conversation, her not sitting with me and almost ignoring me, there is no way in hell she will be back in the MB.
I am going to call the bank today and finish completing questionnaire from my lawyer. I still need to pay him a retainer fee. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around waiting this out. One of my mentors that has been through this told me that, one day I will wake up and decide I have had enough. He said I will know for sure when I am ready to file for divorce.
After last night there is no doubt she is still in contact and has plans with the OM. She doesn't want to be tethered down. Those were her words. I have a hard time hearing this after last night.
I will have time to do plenty of reading. If anyone has any advice on some great reads please chime in? I am going to take advice given earlier about reading up on tough love, being an alpha male, attraction, and commanding respect.
My favorites:
DB (read it again) Love Must Be Tough (good book on the distance/pursuit dynamic and "opening the cage door") The Married Man Sex Life Primer (great book on alpha versus beta) The Happiness Trap (good techniques on how to handle anger/ stress/ anxiety) The 5 Love Languages (learn what you did wrong and how you can be better in the future)
Originally Posted by bballer1
I feel like I will eventually have to confront him and I will probably beat his butt. Will this feeling ever go away or will I always feel like I need to confront him?
Hopefully you will eventually come to realize that he is not the cause of your problems, he is a "result" of them. Your problems stem from your W going through something. It's mental and emotional, she's confused and in turmoil and making extremely poor decisions because of it. You are part of the fallout from that, so are your kids and believe it or not, so is OM. He's going through hell himself. Lost his position at the school, probably losing his W and family, and all for what? A temporary fling with your W? Believe me he's getting a heavy dose of karma without you needing to intervene. You go beat him up and what will happen- you'll likely end up in jail and you will be a disgrace to your kids. You might as well punch yourself in the face, it will hurt less in the long run and you won't get arrested for it.
You want a target to focus all your rage and anger on, and OM makes the perfect target. It's frankly not a lot different than your W looking for a target for all her rage and confusion and unhappiness and that target is YOU even though little to none of it is actually your fault. Fixating on OM is not going to help you and it's not going to bring your W out of the fog. Only time will do that.
Originally Posted by bballer1
So the letter was just a smoke screen for how she was feeling at the time.
Yes, this is predictable. Here is what I wrote to you after you posted about the letter:
"Yes, absolutely! Did she mean it? Yes, I'm sure she did. AT THAT MOMENT. Here's the problem, we're always talking about when they say something negative that it is just a reflection of how they feel at that moment in time and that it can and will change with time. However, the same can be said for expressions of remorse. She was drinking and crying and poured out her heart in a letter. Tomorrow she may be sneaking off to the bathroom to text OM, or sneak off to see him. You are right to be skeptical."
"Again, she felt that way at that moment. She's going to regress and contact OM again, I'd almost lay money on it. She's on her way down but hasn't hit bottom yet. Once she does hit bottom she may be all-in on the M."
See the bolded part in particular. You've got to be more patient. Until she hits bottom you've got to continue treating her with tough love because she is STILL wayward.
Quote
I can’t believe how her emotions and feelings change so quickly.
I can, it's not at all unusual. You've got to be the rock while she is flipping and flopping.
Hopefully you will eventually come to realize that he is not the cause of your problems, he is a "result" of them. Your problems stem from your W going through something. It's mental and emotional, she's confused and in turmoil and making extremely poor decisions because of it.
Rarely do this things happen in a vacuum. In the vast majority of cases that LBS's behavior was a major contributing factor. If they don't recognize and changes for the better that there is no reason to recon.
Yes there is the odd case where the WAS just goes of the deep end.
I'm sorry guys but I was doing fine until I saw the OM. Most of my focus has been on him and begging her to stop all communication with him. I was doing great for the past two weeks and now I am back to reset.
I can get back on track. Holidays will be difficult with staying away and possibly spending less time at the house.
Ignoring her calls and text and staying gone works.
I did that today and she constantly called and sent text to which I never answered but I eventually text I was at the movies. She then says we need to go out together and watch a movie and have dinner.
Now all of this and just yesterday she sat across from her adulterous partner in the gym and didn’t sit with me and my family. My brother called and he was at the game. He was livid that she would disrespect me in public with everyone knowing their situation.
As for the OM, I do not plan on confronting him. I do plan to continue to go dark. I’ve got to get her clothes out of the closet and then I can lock the door to the MB so she will stay out. I’ve told her my boundaries but she continues to disrespect them. I come home she is in the MB on the bed. I have to ask her to leave.
My problem is I don’t want to come across as manipulative or mean. Hard line to draw but I almost have to be mean and demand she stay out of the MB and to only contact me about the kids.
