I am starting my 180 yesterday but I have a big question about going dark. My problem has been I immersed myself on career and providing for a better school and house and totally neglected my marriage, it almost feels like I need to change into loving, through actions, but my W is still on fire and would not even stand me over the phone. Do you have any recommendations on this? Thanks a lot, I will read through all material today! Cant wait!
When a couple is separated, the H cannot do a lot of things he could do if they lived together. He can learn a lot about relationships/marriage, but he won't be able to act on some things, due to the separation. For example, the book on love languages is fantastic information. However, you have to use caution as to when you try to speak in your W's LL. Currently, she's not receptive to you, and just b/c you want to try this new thing out.........doesn't mean it will work like a charm to win her over. I think you should study the LL book a long time, before trying it on her. I can't warn you enough about jumping from one thing to another......in search of the magical formula that gets your W back. There are a lot of good books on the market that you could use this time alone to read. Then when you are together again, you will be a lot smarter. You need to focus on your own growth, goals, and changes. Take your main focus off your W, and the things you think she should know. Just work on Paco.
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We do have a written agreement. When this all begun she threatened me in bad ways and even though I offered her to take some time in Spain she said this was no time but proper end of our M and I signed the agreement hoping it was the only path for R. At some point before leaving Germany she even took and hid the passports of our 2 children and that made me feel horrible (somehow I thought my W believes I am crazy to kidnap my own children, how is this possible?)
I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying that you thought she was going to just take a little time in Spain, and then come back? Did she trick you into a separation?
What kind of agreement did you sign?
What bad things did she threaten to do?
Estranged spouses "kidnap" their children and flee to other countries, to prevent the other spouse having them. Did you ever threaten to take the kids and go where she couldn't find them or get them back? Maybe she was paranoid? Is that why she gets so upset when you've had the kids a few days? I don't know, I'm just trying to understand what is really going on.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You need to focus on your own growth, goals, and changes. Take your main focus off your W, and the things you think she should know. Just work on Paco.