Cross countries separation EU

[sandi2]

How did your W feel about the move to Germany? Was she emotionally close to her family, and do they live in Spain?

Did your W stay home with your young children while in Germany, or was she employed? I am thinking of how I would have managed emotionally if I moved to a country where I did not know their language. Especially while taking care of two children, I would have felt vulnerable to the surroundings. Did she make friends in Germany? It's important that a young mother have emotional support from other married women/mothers. These questions are not placing blame at you. It's my way of getting a better view of the sitch, and maybe say something that is informative.

As a young husband and father, you did what most responsible men do. Being a great provider is one way men show their love for their family. The problem is when all his time/energy is spent working, and his W does not get one on one time with him. She needs their shared time with the children, but she is desperate to have private time where all of his attention is on her. Once your MR reconciles, you will be able to correct your mistake, and give her the intimate attention/time she needs. Unfortunately, she does not want it at this time.

I have managed to find the way to move back to Spain (Madrid or remotely from Seville) because as you can imagine I am 200% up for saving my marriage and family.

That's great! Just remember, however, she does not feel the same. Men tend to think they can control how their W feels or thinks, and that's not the case. You may be able to influence her, indirectly, but while separated it's best that you don't put emotional pressure on her to change her mind. If I'm not making sense, please ask questions.

It’s been only a month after separation, I have read DB almost twice now, I started GAL about 2 weeks ago (opera, sports, lost weight, good eating, out with friends, museums, tones of books, good music and plans with my children when I am in Spain every two weeks)

Great GAL activity!

but my big question is how is my W ever going to notice change if we are in different countries and all she will speak to me about is expenses from our children and via email.

What does it have to do with your activity? Are you doing all these things to get her to notice you? If so, your motivation may lose steam. I encourage you to do these things b/c you want to be a more attractive and more interesting man. Do things b/c you enjoy it, not just to impress her. It's only been two weeks, but eventually, she'll probably take notice. That doesn't mean she will act on it in any particular way. Your job is not to point out your GAL to her. Men who point this out for his W to notice, are so obvious......and that is unattractive. So, be cool.

After our separation, I know she still seeks divorce and the last time we spoke on the phone she told me I should be as far as possible from her, we could never be happy together, she blamed me for all that is happening and the effect it is having in our children and she shouted that she does not want to speak to me before hanging up. It is taking all my strength and faith to stay positive, visualize the man I want to be before every interaction with her, being that man and loving her despite all the blows (I believe I have made many selfish mistakes before and is time to look down and show true love).

Visualizing what kind of man you want to be, is great. Depending on her responses to validate that man, is not exactly healthy at this time.....b/c she is not in a positive place. Trying to get her to give you another chance to be the H she wanted, will not have positive results, at this time. I will say it harshly. She does not feel the love for you, like you feel for her. You cannot make her love you. You've got to give her time and space. In other words, you don't try to make your presence known through phone calls, texts, dropping by the house, etc. That is not giving her space from you.

Here's the problem about you showing your true love for your estranged W. She is not receptive to your love at this time. She is angry and wants nothing to do with you. Therefore, anything you do that even hints that you want to be with her........is going to cause a bad reaction from her. I understand that you want another chance to prove how much you love her, but at the moment, you have to resist the urge to "prove" it to her. You will have to quietly love her from a distance, instead of steamrolling her with "loving acts".

This is not the same girl you once dated, and married. You can't pursue her, b/c it only pushes her away. Perhaps it doesn't make sense, but that's b/c you still think of her as your loving wife, who you neglected. You see the mistakes you made and you are gungho to be the husband she wanted. But she is no longer interested in being your W. She feels the M died, and chasing after her is not going to change how she feels. Legally, she is still your W, but emotionally.......she has divorced herself from you. She has fired you as her H. Therefore, if you do any type of interaction that puts 1% emotional pressure on her........she is going to react very badly. She has made it clear that she does not want to see you or talk to you on the phone. If you try to go through the kids, or trick her, you are pressuring her. Do you see what I mean? She is not waiting around, hoping you will go sweep her off her feet. She feels quite the opposite. I am not saying this to hurt you or cause you to give up all hope of getting your family back. I am telling you to give up the pursuing methods, b/c they don't work on a W who feels done with you. Therefore, you need to leave her alone, and give her lots of space and time to get over her anger & pain.

I'm not suggesting that you leave the kids alone. You have as much right to the kids, as she does. Don't use the kids as your excuse when you are really wanting to interact with her. Know what I mean? We can advise you what to do, or not do, as we go along in the thread. So, I hope you will check with the board, before you decide to try something.

As one of my try new things I was thinking about sending her the DB book as a Christmas gift saying something along the lines of only read it if you freely feel like it.

This is an example of putting emotional pressure on her. She has made it clear that the MR is over, for her. Right? Yet, here you are sending her a book about busing a divorce. That's not what she wants, Paco. And besides, that book is like your box of tools. They are for YOU, not her. She is not going to have the same feelings and mindset that you have.

I do not want to control her by doing this,

But it is a controlling action. Just b/c you add a little note about only read if she wants, does not take away the control feature. You must learn to see this about yourself. Every time you use a control feature, you are digging the marital grave deeper. It is not your job or responsibility to fix your W. That concept is probably hard to digest, but please try.

I feel she needs to know the concepts in DB

No, YOU need to learn the concepts of DB. It is not your job to decide what she should learn, think, feel, or do. She's fired you.

she is only surrounding herself with people that support separation (oh! this person or that one got separated and took the kids to a psychologist, you will be fine or you deserve to be happy and you are so young) and I think this is really hurting our potential future, if there is any. She for example has created this support circle with her cousin who recently cancelled her wedding to a cheating boyfriend because she realized she was not truly in love and I cannot believe situations are comparable at any level.

I hate to hear that ^^^^^, and it's unfortunate. However, you can do nothing about it. She is free to choose who she wants to have as her support. If you try to convince her that the cousin is a negative influence, your W will push you further away. I'm not saying you have to condone what she does or who she spends time with, I'm just saying that you have to let go of controlling behavior. If you express your opinions about her friends, or anything else about her life.......she will buckle down and do more damage, out of spite toward you. So, you have to step back and stop advising her, or expressing your opinions.

Currently, your W wants one thing. It is freedom. She wants to experience life without you sticking your nose into her personal business. It makes it difficult for the LBH who wants to save his M. It's hard to watch someone you love make bad choices, and do things that could leave emotional scars on the children. I'm so sorry for your family. This journey is not fun, and things will likely get worse before you start to see a positive turn. She has to experience some things, before she'll be ready to reconcile. This situation is not all about you. Oh, she may blame you for everything, but I suspect you were not 100% responsible for the breakdown in the MR. I think she was very unhappy where she lived, and unhappy in her MR. I don't think she made the decision to separate in order to work on the MR. I think she did it, to escape. So, she has to figure out things for herself.

That brings me to the close of your first post.