"Walking Out Of The Valley"

[hoosjim]

Hey, BB, just wanted to chime in again on how this is a marathon, and not a Sprint, and to not get discouraged.

Sandi2 and many others will tell you that all WWs are basically the same... same behavioral characteristics, same narratives, etc. But she does allow, from time to time, and I am a firm believer that, some of them descend further into darkness then others, and that, depending on their background and upbringing, their prognosis for recovery can vary. In the case of my own wife, she had a very conservative, very family-oriented, very religious upbringing, and, until the point at which she flew off into waywardness, she herself was a person of very devout faith. She also had a very very strong bond with our children. Now, none of that meant that she was immune to becoming wayward. In fact, on some level, it fueled her rebelliousness in the initial stages. However, in the end, she had a very strong foundation to return to. I still believe, although I will likely never know for certain, that the affair may very well never have gone physical (if it did go physical there is only one time that it could have happened) and, if it did not, I am certain it was due to her background and upbringing. Either way, my wife was clearly conflicted for the whole duration. She never out-and-out said "I want to be done with you" and she kept making baby steps back towards the MR and then withdraw. Contrast this with some situations you will see on here where are the ww immediately moves out, and moves in with om, or is otherwise having liaisons with him on a daily basis and is actively disrespectful to her spouse (yelling, abusive, etc) and/or wants nothing to do with the children. So, there are a set of behaviors that define them, and a general set of rules you should follow when dealing with them, but I do believe the mindset exists on a spectrum, so to speak, with some facing an easier Road to redemption than the others.

That said, even wear there are promising signs, it can still take a while. From the time where my wife made her first overt commitment and where I really thought we had turned the corner and we're probably going to make it, it was 7 MONTHS before she actually got to the point where she fully "turned", cut contact with the OM (and was willing to hurt him in the process), and basically, fully remorseful, threw herself at my mercy and begged me to take her back. That's a pretty long time to persevere, in our situation, and I think my wife was probably one of the easier ones. ("Easy" being a relative term, here, LOL).

Do you want to see what it looks like when a ww finally hits that point, look back through my or TxHubby's threads, and especially Sandi2s and artista's descriptions of their own mindset and how it looked in their situations. All good examples of what true remorse and capitulation looks like in these circumstances. (Doesn't always work that way, steve85s w, for instance, and he can correct me here if I'm wrong, I don't think ever had a single climactic "come to Jesus" moment/episode... but, as we are fond of saying here, everyone's sitch can be different in specific and particular aspects, even as the general pattern stays the same)

Best of luck, and happy holidays to you. You and the rest of the folks on this board are always in my prayers