Hey, BB, just wanted to chime in again on how this is a marathon, and not a Sprint, and to not get discouraged.
Sandi2 and many others will tell you that all WWs are basically the same... same behavioral characteristics, same narratives, etc. But she does allow, from time to time, and I am a firm believer that, some of them descend further into darkness then others, and that, depending on their background and upbringing, their prognosis for recovery can vary. In the case of my own wife, she had a very conservative, very family-oriented, very religious upbringing, and, until the point at which she flew off into waywardness, she herself was a person of very devout faith. She also had a very very strong bond with our children. Now, none of that meant that she was immune to becoming wayward. In fact, on some level, it fueled her rebelliousness in the initial stages. However, in the end, she had a very strong foundation to return to. I still believe, although I will likely never know for certain, that the affair may very well never have gone physical (if it did go physical there is only one time that it could have happened) and, if it did not, I am certain it was due to her background and upbringing. Either way, my wife was clearly conflicted for the whole duration. She never out-and-out said "I want to be done with you" and she kept making baby steps back towards the MR and then withdraw. Contrast this with some situations you will see on here where are the ww immediately moves out, and moves in with om, or is otherwise having liaisons with him on a daily basis and is actively disrespectful to her spouse (yelling, abusive, etc) and/or wants nothing to do with the children. So, there are a set of behaviors that define them, and a general set of rules you should follow when dealing with them, but I do believe the mindset exists on a spectrum, so to speak, with some facing an easier Road to redemption than the others.
That said, even wear there are promising signs, it can still take a while. From the time where my wife made her first overt commitment and where I really thought we had turned the corner and we're probably going to make it, it was 7 MONTHS before she actually got to the point where she fully "turned", cut contact with the OM (and was willing to hurt him in the process), and basically, fully remorseful, threw herself at my mercy and begged me to take her back. That's a pretty long time to persevere, in our situation, and I think my wife was probably one of the easier ones. ("Easy" being a relative term, here, LOL).
Do you want to see what it looks like when a ww finally hits that point, look back through my or TxHubby's threads, and especially Sandi2s and artista's descriptions of their own mindset and how it looked in their situations. All good examples of what true remorse and capitulation looks like in these circumstances. (Doesn't always work that way, steve85s w, for instance, and he can correct me here if I'm wrong, I don't think ever had a single climactic "come to Jesus" moment/episode... but, as we are fond of saying here, everyone's sitch can be different in specific and particular aspects, even as the general pattern stays the same)
Best of luck, and happy holidays to you. You and the rest of the folks on this board are always in my prayers
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/17/1904:39 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
What you are dealing with is tough. My situation (living in separate rooms) is similar but the OW is in another country. I like that my H is home, but I also know that if the OW was here, we would possibly have a different situation. My H left the MB when he returned from being gone for 3 months for work.
I would love to have a regular convo with him, but he is MLC and can hardly look at me. I am GAL, and when I leave and he is home, I just leave. I do not tell him goodbye and I definitely do not tell him where I am going and when I might be back. In this instance, I am mirroring what he is doing to me. Periodically, he may address me when he is leaving if I am right there, but I think it is because I am obviously standing nearby.
Since OW is out of the country, I know he is frustrated. Too bad. I discovered their relationship when he originally left for work for that three month period. Their relationship is the craziest rollercoaster. ( I thought I was on a rollercoaster, but theirs is full of jealousy, insecurities and immaturity) I can see now, that their R is currently not the best situation but I by no means think he is ready to let that R go.
I periodically see glimpses of my H that I used to know. I enjoy those brief glimpses and I appreciate he is still there.
We are a family that loves Star Wars. We would in the past all look forward to going to see the new movies when they came out. I am going on my own. I know MLC is such a distraction, but I need to live. In all of my GAL, I am willing to talk or go somewhere together, but I am not asking. If he wants to ask, I will listen.
I guess what I am saying in my limited experience with this, is keep GAL, it is hard, but actually, I enjoy doing things on my own. Once I realized that the sitch was he was doing his thing, I was going to do mine. I am sad inside, but at this point it is pointless to tell him anything.
Best of luck, I will be checking in to see how it goes for you.
We are a family that loves Star Wars. We would in the past all look forward to going to see the new movies when they came out. I am going on my own. I know MLC is such a distraction, but I need to live. In all of my GAL, I am willing to talk or go somewhere together, but I am not asking. If he wants to ask, I will listen.
Best of luck, I will be checking in to see how it goes for you.
C
PLC, I am sorry you are having to deal with this as well. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for the best. Thank you for your words and interest in my journey. Always encouraging to have support. God does not give us more than we can bear!! Stay Strong
Hey, BB, just wanted to chime in again on how this is a marathon, and not a Sprint, and to not get discouraged.
Best of luck, and happy holidays to you. You and the rest of the folks on this board are always in my prayers
"HJ", Thank you for all your support, help, and advice!! No kids at school today and Christmas break until January 6th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Looks like I will be GAL involving Coaching, playing golf, and spending time with my son. Happy Holidays to everyone on the forum.
I will have time to do plenty of reading. If anyone has any advice on some great reads please chime in? I am going to take advice given earlier about reading up on tough love, being an alpha male, attraction, and commanding respect.
Son had a ballgame tonight. The OM was there sitting directly across from my wife. I entered the gym sat with my parents and she sat with her divorced friends. She never tried to acknowledge or come over and sit with me.
I got very upset and was wanting to confront him but he slipped out at halftime before I could get to him. We discussed it at home and she claimed I should have come and sat with her and her friends. She is so arrogant about the situation. I know I took some steps backwards tonight because I let it upset me.
I feel like I will eventually have to confront him and I will probably beat his butt. Will this feeling ever go away or will I always feel like I need to confront him?
I think if you confront him it will give her more proof that she shouldn’t be with you. I’ve always thought to behave the opposite from what they expect. It makes the spouse wonder where your head is-and if for some reason it doesn’t you won’t be known as that dad that beat up another guy at their kids game.
You and I both know this situation has to run it’s ugly course. Don’t add to it. Keep GAL. I wouldn’t bring up what bothered me at home either. She may be pushing for a confrontation. How disappointing to not let her have one.
IN the beginning after my H was back after three months, I found in our bathroom a hairbrush that was not ours with long blonde strands of hair in it. It was sitting on our counter for me to see. I ignored it. Oh, I was mad but I figured he may have been hoping I would take the bait and start an argument. Eventually the brush disappeared. LOL
I’m just saying vent here talk to a counselor don’t let her get the best of you. You’re better and your son needs that.
Well I told her I was going to confront him and tell him she wrote me a note wanting to work on saving the marriage and she quickly stopped me to say she didn’t say save our marriage but to work on our relationship. So the letter was just a smoke screen for how she was feeling at the time.
At least now I know the truth of the letter. I also know why she hasn’t balked on sleeping in the MB. Last week leading up to the weekend she was adamant that she wasn’t leaving the MB. I can’t believe how her emotions and feelings change so quickly.
At least you get some interaction. My H just came home from who knows where, and all he said to my D and me was, “I’m closing this door, I’m going to bed” it is 7:30 and he’s sleeping in the living room.
All I can say is they’re in deep, and if they could have seen this when they weren’t in the middle of this, I think they’re be shocked.
Hang in there! You said it yourself that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” you and I are STRONG. Remember that.
