You always focus on the negative. Why don’t you list and emphasize the qualities you like about your D14?
Then turn the qualities you say you don’t like into positives.
Instead of D14 gets everything she wants because she’s gorgeous and he knows it”
How about
“Wow, D14 is beautiful. She exudes confidence! I am glad she doesn’t have a negative body image. I’m glad she can remain kind to others and her gifts have not stopped that”
One thing that she does that I don’t like is I don’t see her unless she wants something.. She says all the right things but then poof she’s gone. I don’t know if it’s me or her. I suspect me of course. D17 has a friend with divorced parents. Doesn’t like her dad so only goes there when she wants something. This is me isn’t it?
I feel like if I reach out to her I lose S19. S19 won’t be in the same room with her.
Why do you think they need "one on one" time as opposed to "family time"?
This is embarrassing but I was so codependent/needy that I put WAH first. I put him first because I needed him to fix me. I never stood on my own two feet. He worked all the time and I neglected the kids. The reason they need one on one time is because they are operating from empty emotional tanks. Not only was I not there but WAH wasn't there either and now he's gone.
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Set up a family card game or board game (or Xbox, whatever) and have a mix tape playing with music you know everyone likes (or invite one or more to bring the music, or take turns)... Have fun snacks like popcorn or m&Ms available.
The girls will play the wii or a board game with me. Before we moved I'd gotten S19 to participate more but now I'm back to square one. He's upset and resents D14 for "getting everything". I think I can fix this but not unless I get more support.
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My S20 has Tourettes, which like Asperger's is considered by many docs to be on the high functioning end of the autism vspectrum, and shares some of the characteristics, and he always did better in group settings with his brother than he did one on one with us.
S19 was a hermit but now shockingly enough he is spending more time with me and sometimes D17.
HJ is right, some of the best times the kids and I have are playing board games singing along with Pandora or making popcorn and watching movies. Especially in the winter. Costs nothing and they love it.
We never did this much. WAH worked all the time and was about as fun as watching paint dry. He'd be sullen and irritated so I gave up with the kids. Focused all my attention on making him happy (these are new revelations).
As a side note I get it in my head that he's happy now. Was he ever happy? Am I the reason he wasn't? I think he's an avoidant and if I'm right he's fine until a woman puts any sort of demand on him yet is upset if her attention is elsewhere. This means he isn't happy now either or if he is it will be short lived. There isn't a way for me or anyone else to make him happy is there?
One thing that she does that I don’t like is I don’t see her unless she wants something.. She says all the right things but then poof she’s gone. I don’t know if it’s me or her. I suspect me of course. D17 has a friend with divorced parents. Doesn’t like her dad so only goes there when she wants something. This is me isn’t it?
I feel like if I reach out to her I lose S19. S19 won’t be in the same room with her.
Yep, she is a typical 14 year-old. My 16 year-old started doing this at 14....and still does it now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You said before that your children feel safe talking to you but that it is a double edged sword and you feel like you are being ganged up on. What is it they say that makes you feel ganged up on? Are you strong enough to separate the feeling of being attacked and focus instead on what they are saying and not necessarily how they are saying it?
The reason I feel bad is because I haven't yet been able to fix it. It's not like I hear it once and voila all better. I'm favoring one kid over the others. I still want to favor him because he's special needs. D17 and D14 said they are fine with this as long as they get the same special treatment. Sounds easy but it's not. It's an old habit and now D17 is going after S19. I keep telling her (and him) this is all me but crap this is a mess. S19 is starting to feel bad too. I don't know how to fix this. I don't even know what that looks like.
Kas, why does S17 say he hates D14? On the one hand this might just be a "teens being teens" thing, but on the other hand I have had personal experience with some bad people who started out as bad kids. They were liars and manipulators even at an early age. One was a step-sister that thankfully didn't move into my dad's house until I was in college, but wow the stories. I used to go into work on Monday morning and people would gather around to hear the latest "Amber stories". She was a real piece of work. Stole everything she could lay her hands on, was a master manipulator and a liar's liar. Even in her early teens used sexuality to persuade people (especially men). I used to tell people "you know how you hear people talking about good kids going bad because they run with the wrong crowd? Well Amber is the wrong crowd." She was evil as far back as I remember. Stole her mom's car at 13, wrecked it, walked home and put the keys back on the dresser and convinced everyone she had no clue what had happened. Stole her grandmother's wedding rings and kept yelling "I swear to God I didn't take them!!!" as her mom went through her things (and found them). Eventually started shooting up heroin and then the serious crimes began. I have a thousand stories.
Anyway I am not suggesting your D is anything like Amber, but my point is your S may have some valid reasons. I've seen enough Ambers in my life that when someone says that one kid in their family hates another it's a red flag to me that they should dig deeper into that to make sure there aren't some serious issues causing the rift. How many stories have you read of a kid OD'ing and the parents "had no idea". Don't assume anything.
