Persistant Endurance (Part 7)

[sandi2]

Remember when you were so persistent in giving her the Robx speech? It was not effective due to several reasons.....one being that your timing was off. In other words, if you had given her the speech fairly early in the sitch, and actually stuck by it........it would have carried more weight. The end result however, was the same action you've insisted upon using throughout the sitch, which was emotional pressure/pursuit.

I had been reading another book about affairs and an approach is described that lays out Plan A (ask W to end A) and Plan B (go NC if chooses to continue the A’s). I felt it was appropriate to ask WW to end her A’s, clearly state my requirements for R, and allow her to make the choice.

So now you've discovered MB, and you like the way they lay out Plan A & B. What do you see in the above statement that is so different from the advice you were receiving from the DB vets? How many times have you told her how you felt, and what you wanted......and that she would have to end things with OM, b/c you would not compete with them? I've got news for you, if you can't follow DB, I doubt you'll follow the instructions in the other book/forum. You can't follow that author's instructions, b/c you can't go NC with your WW. You can't detach, and you can't leave her alone.

The pressure, guilt, and shame you put on her is incredible. You know what it tells her? It tells her that you are controlling. You can't even show her how you've changed (b/c you haven't changed), but yet......you expect her to trust that you will be a better H if she'll just give up her affairs and commit to the MR? Why? You don't even know how to meet her emotional needs.

So then, you send her an email, which IMHO, lacked something. Maybe b/c you have already said this stuff, in one way or another. How was this different from the other talks? I don't think it was. You labeled it Plan A, and basically, said the same stuff again.

This was my version of earning my way out of the MR. My thought process behind taking this action was to remove ambiguity from what it will take to R with me, let W know that we can move beyond the betrayal, and work together to build a new MR that is better for both of us. My intent was not to offer a long period of time for her to make the choice. However, during that time she would experience the best version of me when we did interact.

No offense intended, but ignoring our advice and continuing the pressured R talks and trying to cause her to feel guilt/shame.....has pretty much earned your way out of MR. Why continue doing what hasn't worked? Your thought process hasn't changed. You may label it differently, but at the end of the day......you are still trying to talk her back. If she had asked what it would take for her to reconcile with you, then it would have been fine to expound on the subject. Let me tell you something about the thought process of a WW. The more you press her, the more disgust she feels toward you. You are making a lot of claims, when she is not even interested in going around a second time with you. I mean, the words sound nice, but I don't think you really know what kind of work is in store for either of you, in order to have a fulfilled MR. You just want to win her back, and if one tactic doesn't do the job, you look for another one, and add your own version. All you've shown her is more of the same controlling man, and that cancels all your flowery promises about a future relationship. Like some other LBH's, you have not done the work on yourself, but you want her to trust you to be a better H after she gives up her affairs, etc. What I see happening, is you emotionally wearing her down. That's how some guys work. However, it doesn't cause her to feel desire for him. She may give up, under relentless pressure, and she may go back home.......but IMHO, you are giving her more reason to feel disgust and resentment toward you. You have to stop with these type of talks, and emotional pressure.

After a short time, I planned to ask for her decision. If she still doesn’t know, then I planned to ask what she wants in the settlement.

You've already given her a list showing divided assets, when you gave the Robx speech. It didn't create the desired results you were hoping to get, so on another occasion, you asked her what she thought about the list........ and you went into another R talk. If you ask her what she wants in the settlement, she's going to give you her default answer........"I don't know". So, what's the next step forward?

Well, you couldn't wait, so you had another R talk the day before Thanksgiving. That really was a short period of time!

W: “They are not affairs, we are separated. You haven’t let me be separated this whole time. Are you going to keep looking for stuff if we divorce?”

She's right about one thing.......you have not let her be separated this whole time.

H: “I don’t need to look. (Really?) I had hoped that you ended your affairs. Once I knew that wasn’t the case, I decided that I’m done. Go ahead and don’t call them affairs, but most women move out so they can sleep with OM without interference from their H. I don’t want this separation anymore. I wanted my W and family back. Can you appreciate that? Is that wrong to want my W and family? I feel that you have an addiction and can’t see through the affair fog. It keeps drawing you back. Once you’ve gone NC, I’ve read that it takes 3-4 weeks for the strongest feelings to subside during withdrawal and almost all feelings are gone in 6 months. Every time contact is re-established the clock resets. Do you want to end contact? Have you tried to stop and suffered relapses? Do you need help, I have no problem stepping in and protecting our family.”

Wow! You just kept hammering.

W: “This is about you keeping up your image with me.”
H: “I make no apologies for trying to save and protect my family. I want you, it’s everything about you, not just the sex like it is for your OM. I want our marriage to last, but if you’ve decided that they can make you happier than I can, it’s time for me to step aside. It comes down to a choice. If you won’t choose to end your affairs, then I can no longer remain married to you. So, what do you want?”

I think your WW may have a good point. I tend to agree with her, after months of reading your posts and seeing your stubbornness to follow advice. I think these affairs have hurt your male ego a lot. I'm sure it would hurt anyone to know their spouse has had an affair. But when she referred to your image, it had a truthful ring. As I previously said, you want to win her back from these OM. Although you told her you couldn't or wouldn't compete with OM, that's exactly what you are doing! If they dumped her and she went crawling back to you......I'd bet you would not be near as interested as when you are challenged.

H: “This is the biggest decision you’ll have to make for the rest of your life. It is bigger than the two of us. I’ve weighed that out and chosen you. I’m afraid that you are about to make the 2 biggest mistakes of your life. The first when you decide to end our marriage and the second 6 months later when the affair ends and the fantasy wears off.”

I don't know that she is in a particular fantasy, since she's been through three men the past months. I think she is searching for something she hasn't felt in a long time.......maybe never, IDK. You sound close to bullying her. The statement above is your opinion and how you feel. It's not what she thinks & feel. It's on the verge of sounding arrogant. I realize you are trying to reach through her fog, but whenever it becomes pressure.......you lose her. I don't know what it will take for you to finally see. You've been so hellbent on telling her everything you read about WW's, that you've missed getting it yourself.

W: “I know it’s my choice, but you are going to control me all over again just like you are now by trying to force a decision.”

[Again I sensed all she wants is to continue the cake eating and string me along.]

If it wasn't for the detailed conversations you've shared, I would be inclined to agree.....simply b/c WW's take advantage wherever they can. I have said the reason she hasn't initiated the divorce is b/c she is benefiting from being Mrs. Curtis. After reading this conversation, I think it's b/c she doesn't want to lose the home/ranch. I also believe you know it, and that's the reason you have not sent the horse away. It's your bait. I'm not saying she doesn't do her share of cake eating.....but I don't buy your excuse of loving animals is the reason you didn't let the horses go. You knew what you were doing.