I’ve spent a lot of time reading that form in the last few months—maybe it’s time to go back through my bookmarked threads.
I did read one of BluWave’s threads this morning, and it really helped me verbalize what I’ve come to understand about H in a much clearer way (Thank you for sharing your experience, BluWave!):
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Part of the reason that H checked out, had the A, and got stuck in the fog is because he was an extreme people pleaser. He adopted the role of Mr Nice Guy (there is a great book on this FYI), awesome dad, hard worker, and family man. He did not hold masculine stereotypes and prided himself on that. With that he lost himself and his own needs and interests.
I adored him, as did all women that met him. "He is so great! I wish my H was more like that!" What I failed to realize is that he was silently suffering and had growing resentment towards me. He felt that he did everything for me and the family and was worn out.
This is my H exactly, though he would say his mom is a people pleaser, not him. In general, maybe he’s not, but he certainly has been with all the women in his life since I’ve known him. I just didn’t realize it until BD. Now he’s thinking he’s happy because he’s answering to no one and gets to stay out at all hours; from the outside, he does not seem happy.
I talked to my C about this today, and she said, yeah, it sounds like H has gathered up years of resentment after never being able to set boundaries or voice his true feelings to his mom, his women friends, or you, and now he’s directing it all at you... and he has a lot of work to do, which make take years if he doesn’t stop running and coping with alcohol.
I know many of you have expressed this in regard to your own sitches before, but it’s all so sad to watch him chasing happiness in this potentially self-destructive way.
