I'm sorry you feel stuck in no-mans land. Are you really? Perhaps it is perception. Your H is in no-mans land, but you as an individual do have choices. You can leave and you can initiate D. You are choosing not to and that is a valid choice. It may be the hardest choice. You are a strong woman FS.
In a lot of ways my sitch is "easier" than others here. My W cut and run rather quickly, with NC. We don't have children, and the specifics of our D were pretty cut and dry. If I were to speculate, I believe she feels this is the kindest. She may be correct.
The great irony, of course, is I have become the person she wanted all along. A person engaged with life, not content to sit at home and play house. Curious what's around the corner, and up for an adventure and making my own decisions. I'm not sure why I couldn't be that person before, but I am discovering it now. If I had any regrets, it is that I did not know how to find this person sooner. My other regret being that I wasn't willing to fight out of fear of the results. I'm finding these to be two huge lessons.
I'm not looking back quite as much these days. The lessons I'm continuing to learn are less about the relationship - there were a lot of lessons in that - but in what it means to be an authentic Yail.
*****
"Opportunity & Inclination" is an interesting way to view my future sex life. You've hit on something here because you're correct there are those two pieces to the puzzle. You're correct that I am building the opportunities. I'm meeting new folks, making a social life, and very consciously choosing to spend more time with lesbian friends. I've found my lack of lesbian friends to be a great hole in my life and I feel so much more visible & heard when I have a chance to connect with them. It's subtle and it's hard to explain, but I think it is validating to see yourself reflected in folks around you. I don't feel lonely anymore.
I'm not sure if I agree with the inclination piece. I do feel I'm ready - or close to it - for the physical piece only. I have no desire for a relationship now. Or at least not a serious one. A bit of flirting sounds very fun, and a casual thing is on my mind. But I'm a long time from seeking a serious R, it doesn't interest me at all. I don't care about dinner dates or needing to plan a life together. I have too much to build and can't afford to become complacent or distracted.
That's an interesting place for me to be in, since I've always been someone who does things "by the book". I've always been in a monogamous R before any intimacy happens. Now I don't care. I'm a big girl, I know how to be safe with my body and my heart. I like that I'm questioning my own assumptions, even if I'm not sure where it will lead me.
