I am feeling better today. Have had some time to reflect. Whatever my H has been in the past and whoever he is now, I need to concentrate on my side of things. I do want my marriage to work if it can, and if it ends, I want to know I did whatever I could on my own side of things. That means setting boundaries, not accepting the unacceptable, but it also means learning to let go of resentment without going back to the doormat I was, and it means accepting he has done me harm and trying to love him in a way that means something to him.
