IW ~ Your posts always make me pause and reconsider my thoughts. I wasn't clear in my earlier posts, but lately I feel like I'm sacrificing in so many ways - time with the kids, financially, going to C to try to be amicable in the face of abuse.
Sometimes I struggle, like many of us, to separate my feelings from the tangible - custody, finances, etc.
You are sacrificing a lot, U. I don't say what I say to be mean, I hope it doesn't come off that way. It's what I see from your words - and i see that you're giving this certain level of power to your W in your mind.
But I think you can turn it into a positive or growing experience for you. I'm currently doing something similar - I practice not reacting if and when my W says or does something illogical. I remove the context of how she says it, replying only to the words. I screw up sometimes but others I am successful. It takes a LOT of practice - but I think it's something you can do.
Originally Posted by unchien
Feelings: Yes, I feel controlled. Take the issue of continuing to go to C. I'm not even sure what DB would say is the right thing to do. Do I continue to go, show my W I am not afraid of her, and stand up to her allegations? Or do I stop going, because the very act of going to C is a way of her controlling me?
She doesn't control you, if it feels like that it is because you are allowing it to feel that way in your mind. "Standing up to someone's allegations" or "showing her she can't control you" in MC are IMO not good reasons to go to MC. I know it sounds like I'm a broken record here, but I do not think going to MC with a person that does not want to work on a M is a good idea.
The trick is to stand up for yourself in a way that is also kind to yourself, your kids, and W (as much as it is possible) - in a way that is unique to your sit because only you know your sit fully. I don't know what that answer looks like for you, U. Only you can decide what that looks like, what you want in life, and how to implement it in a way that is functional for you and your kids.
Originally Posted by unchien
The watch? She pings me about him wearing the watch. What do I do? The watch itself is a symbol of control.
Tangible: Custody - I want more. Finances - I am effectively supporting her way above what I would need to in a post-D world. Strip away feelings, I am giving way in all these areas. It needs to be addressed. It's not about how I feel about them... it is simply me handing over money and time with my kids for no discernible reason other than that's how it is. That's not working for me.
And I also tell myself, from a DB perspective, there is no benefit to continuing to support my W's fantasy that D is going to look like our situation does today.
I see what everyone else is posting about lawyers and mediation here, and I'll be honest - I don't know if I should be giving any advice on that. It seems like there are a lot of people here who are divorced and /or who have experience with mediation. So from a self-protection standpoint, I defer to them on that.
I would only suggest that you try and keep things as amicable as possible - even if you have to fake it in front of your W. Do that for the kids' sake. I do have a lot of experience with parents who selfishly and maliciously went after each other for years. That dysfunctional dynamic in my formative years contributed in a big way to the failure of my own MR.
Originally Posted by unchien
Sigh... I know I'm making DB mistakes left and right in this post, just spinning a lot lately...
I know the feeling. I was spinning all weekend for no apparent reason. Sometimes it just happens. It's okay - don't be so hard on yourself.
My IC told me when it feels like everything is out of control, find one small thing that you CAN do, and do that.
For example - my finances are horrible - have been for a long time, and it was like a weight hanging over my head on top of all this other [censored]. So I decided to make an appointment with a financial advisor.
I was only able to do one thing with regards to finances. But doing that one small thing actually made me feel a little better, and helped to slow the spinning on that front.
You might try that yourself - find one small thing you can do, that only you can control. If its finances that are bugging you, you can visit an advisor. You don't even have to discuss the whole MR sit - just see if it's possible to reorganize your finances on your own. The act of doing something will help.
This is so tough, man - but you're doing great. Stay strong, U
