I appreciate the responses, everyone. And, although I don't mind receiving argumentative posts (I really don't mind) I wasn't intentionally trying to be argumentative. I'm just really confused.
To be clear, the number of the OW is now blocked. I was just explaining why I hadn't blocked it before -- I wasn't expecting to hear from her nearly a year after we'd ended things. And I immediately told my wife about it -- I wasn't trying to hide it.
Do I forgive my wife for her infidelity and related mistakes? Yes, I do. I want to forget about it and move past it and work on our marriage. But like any other human endeavor, my forgiveness is imperfect. When I'm repeatedly subjected to insults or accusations from her about my infidelity and mistakes over and over and over again, I feel myself get angry and upset about what feels like unfair criticism.
Even the issue of my responding to the OW fits the above double-standard. I know for a fact that she's been in touch with one of the OM at least up until she told me about the infidelity. So that means that, assuming the facts she told me are true (it was one time thing, etc.), she was in touch with him for years after that. I wasn't aware or involved; I didn't get to police her communications; she got to let things play out over years and assuming (as she said) that she tried to put more distance between her and the OM, she got to do so at her pace, in private. I respond to the OW's text one time and immediately tell my wife about it and suddenly that's it -- I'm the most terrible person on Earth and she's "done" with me etc.
I'm just griping, sorry.
I still don't get the whole "let her go" and GAL thing and how to balance that with the "stay home and show her you can be trusted thing."
As I said, my wife makes accusatory comments even when I do something mundane like workout for 90 minutes at the gym after work on a Wednesday night. Attempts to delve into a serious conversation about trust always end in bitter arguments, so I try not to respond, or just respond minimally (e.g. "No, I was at the gym, like I said")
Should I keep growing my own life (GAL?) despite her mistrust or should l just sit in my room while she sits in her room, so she knows I'm not out there doing something bad? I'm so confused. I've already done all the begging, pleading, apologizing etc. (all the wrong things, according to DB) -- I'm not sure that me just hanging around the house is going to make her want me again. It just seems like she's "cake-eating" as I've seen the phase used around here --- she gets all the benefits of a provider husband and father, but she can just go into her room and close the door after the kids are in bed and forget about me. She's been like this for 6 months, this isn't some sudden thing that I'm just freaking out about.
What I've been doing (basically being home every night/weekend and just retreating to "my" room while she retreats to "her" room every night) doesn't feel like it's working to change anything --- we are still exactly where we were 3 months ago. We fight less, because we don't talk one-on-one at all. It's gotten to the point where I'm actually afraid to even start a conversation with her because I feel it will only lead to fighting --- it's like she looks for any opportunity to argue with me, like she's carrying this all around and just looking for any opportunity to vent it on me.
Well, even typing this out makes me feel a little better, and hearing your reactions and thoughts about all this is really helpful. Thanks for listening.
Oh -- one more thing. She got mad the last time I tried to give her something (flowers, another mistake per DB!) back like 3 months ago. Christmas is upon us and I haven't gotten her anything. I am afraid of it causing an argument, and I have no idea what to do. Didn't I read "no gifts" when you're in this position? Is there something that's less "gifty" that I can still give without upsetting her and making her think I'm trying to pull her back? I've never felt such dread toward Christmas before . . .
