It's Sunday night. Son is in bed and dishes are done. I'm poring over cookbooks and food magazines planning my Christmas menu. I did my Christmas shopping this morning and thought how wonderful it was to buy gifts for loved ones without Scrooge McGrinch (aka H) harping on about how much it all cost. How freeing and fulfilling it was to come across an item and think "xyz would love that" and pop it in the trolley without a second thought.
I am a spendthrift by nature, and even more so by conditioning, but H became truly obsessed with frugality and the idea of retiring early. He put us on a highly restricted budget when S1 was born. I was on maternity leave (minimum wage) for a year and struggled to get out of the house and take care of myself on my 'allowance' - I'm talking a coffee date, a yoga class, a lunch, even buying clothes that fit post-pregnancy. I believe this contributed to the debilitating post-natal depression/anxiety I experienced.
I was making notes in my phone of the Christmas groceries I need and came across a note I made in November last year. I had forgotten about it, but reading it again now - whoa.
It was around this time that my PND/A was at its worst. H had just signed a $50k car loan that I was vehemently opposed to, and the debt frightened me as I had expressed a need for financial flexibility during my return to work in January. I had started individual counselling, and asked H to go to marriage counselling because I was deathly unhappy. I told him if the things in this note didn't change, that we might be better off raising our son apart.
You know - the honest approach that emotionally mature people take!
I feel [ ] Taken advantage of [ ] Mine/S's wellbeing at home isn't considered [ ] Lonely [ ] My thoughts and feelings aren't taken seriously [ ] I'm not worth your effort or attention [ ] My health and fitness isn't supported [ ] Insecure about my value and worth
Because [ ] You don't pick up after yourself [ ] You don't consider the impact that has on the house and my responsibility for maintaining it [ ] I have to pick up after you so S doesn't get into things he shouldn't [ ] I have to pick up after you before I can get to other chores [ ] You're addicted to technology (as am I) [ ] You make jokes or give a stock response or brush me off whenever I want to talk about my feelings [ ] You don't bother to shower/use deodorant/shave on my account [ ] You fart in front of me and other gross body stuff when I've told you it turns me off [ ] You won't commit to healthy eating or a fitness routine [ ] My contributions to the household aren't noticed or appreciated
That makes me [ ] Resent you for making my daily life harder and more boring [ ] Lash out at you for seemingly small things that actually are a big deal to person stuck at home every day [ ] Not want to do anything extra for you/only take care of S and myself [ ] Have no desire to have sex with you [ ] Cook/eat unhealthier than I'd like because I have to take your preferences into account [ ] Turn to technology more than I'd like so I can feel connection and support from other people [ ] Needy for constant validation and reassurance [ ] Feel guilty about spending money, particularly on myself because I don't contribute to finances equally [ ] Ask you to do things I could do myself so that the scales are balanced
Therefore [ ] Housework may not seem like a big deal to you but it is the only thing that gives me purpose [ ] By sabotaging my ability to succeed at housework, you prevent me from feeling in control
I need [ ] The living space to be peaceful and calm because I spend majority of the time there [ ] You to be more considerate of the impact your laziness has on me and S and do something about it [ ] Recognition for the things I do achieve even if they seem like nothing to you [ ] Encouragement and opportunity to do things for self care including spending money on things I need [ ] You to be sincere when responding to me [ ] To control my anger towards you and explain why I'm frustrated without being mean [ ] To be more open to physical affection and intimacy [ ] To let you and S have time together without interfering, except when you are using technology excessively around him because that's not ok [ ] To help make home and family a happy place so that everyone wants to be here
H read the above note. He didn't say much. I can't actually remember what was said, but there definitely weren't any apologies or promises made. I guess I was so conditioned to expect a non-response that it didn't surprise me. Eventually he did agree to marriage counselling once he realised I was serious, but that was more of the same shallow, evasive responses from H, so it didn't really help. I don't think he was willing or even capable of doing the work required to actually benefit from counselling. Which is why it surprised me to hear that he is in counselling now.
