I think I understand the point you're making about being decisive. For 20 years, I have been "the decider" in our marriage.
But I don't know if I've adequately conveyed the degree to which she is "shut off" to me emotionally. Of late, during our recent breakdown arguments, she bristled about me being "controlling," so I'm not sure if being my usual decisive self would help.
Also, to be honest, I didn't want to go and pretend. It's emotionally draining for me.
It's been incredibly difficult for me, emotionally, just getting through each day and each week, concentrating on my job while in this complete limbo.
I have no idea from one day to the next whether she is thinking to stay like this for the rest of our time together (and how long that will be -- another week? until the end of the school year? until her little side business takes off well enough or the youngest is in school and she finds a full time job and can figure out how to keep the upper-middle class lifestyle to which she's become accustomed? until she finds another man that can give her that?).
The last time I told her I loved her, about 6 weeks ago, was before I left for a business trip. While I was packing, she came into my room to ask what time my flight was the next day. I tried to hug her and she held me at arms length. I forget exactly what I said, but it was something about I miss her, or wanting to be with her, and she just said something like "I don't think so" ... I couldn't sleep that night and went into "her" room (our joint bedroom) and lay down next to her and put my arm around her. She just pulled away and said to give her space. I texted her "I love you" early in the morning when I left, and didn't receive any response.
Yes, yes -- I've since read the book and many posts here, and I know that was counterproductive. I was still chasing her, still trying to pull her, maybe only pushing her further away. But it hurt. Even in the worst of my affair and confusion, I never stopped loving her and never, except for short term angry arguments, stopped telling her that. She says she just doesn't believe me anymore, and I don't have the urge to say it anymore anyway.
But back to dinner tonight; we didn't go. I didn't want to go and pretend to be a happily married couple. All I need from her is a sign -- any sign, that she wants us to work out, that she wants our marriage to get better, and I'll do all the pretending I need. But it just feels to me that she's settled into a comfy little routine where we pretend we're married externally, she gets to live where she wants to live, she doesn't look like "the bad one" to the kids, but she otherwise wants nothing to do with me. She even seems to twist the knife unnecessarily at times, giving me perfunctory little "thank you" responses when I do something, like I'm the help (I can tell the difference between a sincere thank you, and a "thank you" like you'd say to someone you barely know who just did something nice for you, I get the latter).
If it weren't for the legal repercussions related to custody of the kids, I would have left the house already because the "in-house separation" stuff is too emotionally painful, and maybe that would be enough to let her miss me. But I can't do that for practical reasons. And she certainly won't leave. So if either one of us files for divorce, it will be under the conditions we're in now, living together while we sort it out.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It's been very lonely these past few months, as I try to "stay home" as much as possible to help her trust me (although she still doesn't trust me even the minimal times I work late or go to the gym after work) and so I basically have had no social life and feel stuck in limbo and alone.
