Oh FS, that is a big change. I'm so sorry for your change in employment. I hope that in the long run this turns into one of those happy accidents which leads you into a different employment path you just simply can't see yet.
I was glad to hear of your calm and rational thoughts about selling the house. I know so often we get so tied down into wanting one THING and feeling that if we don't have it we won't survive. Living for an image of what we think our life should be, and really fighting the fear of change. Probably the biggest battle a lot of LBSs have, in some ways. Fighting for stagnation in other areas of our life because the one thing we thought we could count on changed, and we fear any other change taking place so we dig our heels in.
I think you did handle it right. It was your honest thought process in the moment and you shared it with him and the reason you had those thoughts. I don't think it was escalation at all, you were sharing with him what your answer would be with the facts you have in hand.
But you wanted to know if there is a chance of the facts changing. I don't think it was wrong to not ask in that moment. But maybe you are feeling a need to know for sure that you are understanding his position and thoughts correctly.
I know you talk a bit about how you're both so stubborn, and have been hurt immensely and neither would take the first step to changing your dynamic. But it might be that time, and I think you're going to have to start it. Taking the step of selling the house without having a real conversation is sweeping everything under the rug, and it sounds like H has been more calm these days. His response seemed to indicate so.
You don't need to sit him down and demand answers, or even put yourself out there 100% right from the start either. I think there are ways to talk to him cautiously. You could start by something like, "The other week when we spoke about selling the house I think you know where I was coming from. I simply can't afford the mortgage on my own, and I have to have a plan. But it wasn't my intent to speak for you, and you have history (and shared financial interest - or no?) with the house as well, so I think it's important you let me know your thoughts on it and the future." Maybe even a "Would you ever see yourself wanting to move back in?" if you feel you need to be explicit.
Maybe he says no, and you find yourselves on a path towards a formal D. That's scary, but also not a new lifestyle for you. So perhaps this is just a step towards clarity, which you have been lacking.
2020 will be an interesting year for you FS. It might have a few trials, but you'll do wonderfully.
