First of all, his childhood..his mother passed away this year. She pretty much let him get away with a lot of things and did not make him to do a lot of chores. He is the youngest in his family (but so am I so no excuses there). His father was a poor role model - would come into the house while his mother worked her butt off with the 3 kids and would sit on the sofa watching tv and reading the paper. His father also has been divorced several times and is very moody; to this day, if he does not get his way, he will get in a rage, pack his things and leave the house without saying goodbye to anyone.
That explains a lot, IMHO. No, it's not an excuse, but aren't your lives copying what he had as a kid? He saw the role of the W & mother working her butt off, while the dad did nothing. Aren't you doing the very same thing his mother did, and isn't he playing the role he saw while growing up?
Maybe you were an exception, but I do believe that most mothers let the baby of three kids get away with more than the older kids......especially, if there is a significant gap in ages. Between his mom not teaching him to do chores, and holding him accountable, and his dad not stepping up.......it's not unreasonable to see how that shaped his mindset. However, I am a firm believer that people can change.
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Sex life...as I stated earlier, I was just so exhausted from working full time and operating like a single mom (and having no real family support in the area where we live) that we ended up having a lot of quickies. The sex quality was pretty bad a lot of times and was not as frequent as he would have liked. I realize that was a real problem and I wanted to work on it, but I was so depressed, resentful and EXHAUSTED!!!
Same here. I recommend that you have a body hormone specialist to run some blood test. It will make a big difference!
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I love the old him, not the new him. I am also a very spiritual person and believe that our marriage was a covenant between me, him and God - not just between me and him. I took our vows very seriously and do not want to take this whole concept of divorce lightly by any means. Also, I would like to keep our family in tact if possible.
Gottcha!
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I set good boundaries outside my marriage and do not tolerate toxic behavior well. I have completely cut off contact with friends and family who were acting toxic. As to the other questions, I need to think more about them (e.g., what is my plan after kids leave? what are boundaries in my marriage?)
Women need good women in their life, b/c of our emotional nature, and b/c we are easily influenced by other women. I'm glad to hear you were able to cut contact with toxic people. I read so much about lonely housewives getting new, wayward type friends. That's not good! We need support, encouragement, and positive guidance in how to live as strong women, wives, & mothers. I was so blessed to have older, godly women in my family/life. They were a priceless source of wisdom.
Hesable, I suggest you think about the boundaries that absolutely non-negotiable for you. For example, a non-negotiable boundary might be......you will not live in an open marriage. You will not have a threesome. You will not subject yourself and/or your children to people bringing drugs into your home; displaying inappropriate behavior; using foul language, etc. in your home. You will not live with anyone who is abusive to your children, or to yourself. These are just a few off the top of my head, as examples. Everyone needs to know what their non-negotiable boundaries are, and not wait until something happens.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
