Thank you AS. I have read the 5LL. I don't know for sure what language H's is, but I think it is probably Acts of Service and I could do better in showing love in that way. When I first read your post - a day or two ago now - my first thought was 'well why should I do work for him to help him feel loved when I feel so unloved myself?' but I know that's what the book is about and somebody has to go first. I will think on this and try to take some action today and tomorrow. I notice that at least once a day H is trying to express love to me using his LL and will bring me coffee or do some household task that is usually mine. He will occasionally initiate intimacy. Neither of those things mean much to me as they don't feel like the 'real' him. I am not able to be responsive to him in bed very often. He doesn't pressure me at all and is generally understanding so long as I pretend I have a headache or am just tired. If I tell him the truth - I don't feel responsive because I don't feel emotionally safe or cherished as a result of his nastiness - then he gets annoyed. I don't see the nasty side of him so much any more, but I have this impression that it's in there, and anything other than that is just fake and I can't let myself fall for it. And I try to hide feeling like that as I know it doesn't get either of us anywhere.
I feel depressed today. Just deep-down, bone-deep sad. I don't bring this sadness to my H very often, because no matter how I try to phrase it (I know about I-statements and non-blaming language) he takes it as a criticism, and when he feels criticised he comes out fighting and can be vicious. Even if my sadness is nothing to do with him he's more likely to offer critical statements aimed at helping me to see why my sadness is of my own making (and yes, sometimes that is true) than he is to offer comfort. I have tried telling him that what I need is just comfort, a hug, some reassurance, and he says - sometimes - that he isn't an infinite resource of soothing. Perhaps I am too sad and ask for too much. Perhaps I need to get better at just moving through this sadness. If that's the case then I am willing to accept it, but I don't know where it leaves our marriage.
I suppose the reason I am sad can't be comforted away anyway. He's just a man with some deeply unpleasant qualities that have hurt me. I hoped he'd be my safe place and the person in my corner and on my side and he just isn't. He won't ever not be the man who did the things he did. I am terribly deep down disappointed in that. The fact that he's changed a little and is making efforts and is back in the family home doesn't really change the way I feel about him. Of course he will be able to sense that.
