I was so glad that you came back and updated! I don't post much, but I often check and look for posters, including you and Dilly. I hope she is well!
I like the advice that AS offered you. 5 LL is a great book for anyone to read in any R because it helps us to understand that we give and receive love differently. M H is acts of service all the way. He is constantly helping at work, at home, is a natural care taker, and he likes fixing things and getting things done. I tend to see those things as our daily job and don't see them as showing love. After all, I do similar deeds and it's because I have to. I have to stop and recognize are perceptions are different and it's not so much about the actions alone. When i show appreciations for his actions it means a lot to him. He is showing me he loves me every time he goes to Costco or cleans out the garage. My LL is more quality time. We are wired differently.
Ambivalence (you use that word a lot) is your protective mechanism! It is important not to ignore it. If you feel like a dark alley is sketchy, you will not blindly walk through it. Your M and your H were not safe for a long time. Of course you are not going to jump back in! I think you are starting to understand why some of us say this takes such a looonnnnggggg time. All of it does -- the moving on or the R. You are still on the fence a bit.
From my perspective you are just where you need to be. I think it is okay that things are not steadily moving in one direction or the other. Why not just continue on as is, see your IC, focus on your day to day life, and continue to create moments of joy. In time, just maybe a much longer time, things will become more clear for you.
Please come back soon, we care about you :-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
