I did not go back and read all of your posts, but I did read your recent updates. It was hard to read. I am not sure what I can tell you that these guys have not already said. Is there something different I can offer you? Perhaps you think I did something that made my H come back? I don't think I did. There were many circumstances that led to his return and I didn't do anything to make him. He chose to.
As I see it, you do not follow the DB principals and you continue to search for and hang on to any bit of hope (what you perceive to be hopeful) that you can find. I can't see in your updates where she is showing you any desire to R with you. Can you tell me what she says and does that lead you to think that? Because what I see is that she is afraid of your reactions and of how difficult a D will be with you. Unfortunately that does not translate into her being confused about wanting to be with you. She is saying and acting in ways that prove she does not.
What I am reading is that your actions are cycling between pursuit and pressure. Your words however are conflicting with that and you are waffling between, 1. the same pursuit and pressure, or 2. that you are okay with her walking away, but you just want to know some truth that she is withholding, and then you will be detached and resolved when she tells you said truth. .... I cannot imagine how confusing this must be for her. You are giving her mixed messages and basically trying to control her. I don't think she is hiding any truth from you. She is wanting to move on from you and you are not letting her and she feels guilty about that. Again, that does not mean that she wants to be with you right now.
Although, I am sorry to tell you what you don't want to hear, and that is that I don't think she is really giving you mixed messages. She is showing you and telling you she is done and wants to move on. Please do not confuse her ambivalence with the process to mean that she wants to be with you. If she wants to be with you, you will just know without questions. It's that simple. When she wants to be with you and R, SHE will be the one pursuing you and trying to get YOU back!
I am not sure how to advise you because I see that others are doing that and you are not ready to hear it. All you can do is take a beginners mind set and start over. Drop the rope, go dark, accept that she doesn't want to be with you, and then you focus on you. You don't have to tell her anything, take actions or file. The first priority should be looking inward and letting go of a very unhealthy need you have to be with her and to control this situation. It's going to take a long time I am afraid. Why not just accept that discomfort and loss and start there?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
