Whatever you decide to do, do not move out. She is the one w/the problem, therefore she should be the one to move. Since Christmas is right around the corner, I would wait and have a discussion with her right after Christmas and advise her that things aren't working out and it's creating a lot of tension and stress in the home for your children. I would then suggest that maybe she needs to find a place to move to since she's unhappy being a wife and mother to her family. After that discussion, walk away and allow her to mull it over. You can still utilize the DB tactics while she's "out to lunch" and continue focusing on you and your children.
I had a very similar situation w/my xh 20 years ago. He was very unhappy and he had told me on December 1st that he was planning to move out after Christmas. The tension and stress were so thick that it made our lives a living h@ll trying to keep up appearances. I came home the next day from work and told him that he could leave and not wait until after Christmas. He sat up on the couch and cried like a baby and stated he didn't know what to do. I left him there and went about my business. He left on the 13th while I was at work, leaving everything behind but a few clothes. How did I feel about it? The tension was gone, but the holiday season was ruined for that year...but I can assure you, as the months went by, things got better in my home. No more walking on eggshells, I knew where the money was going, I didn't have to beg him to do things, etc. I never regretted opening the door and letting him know that I was okay if he left.
Bottom line, you have to take care of you and your children. The tension and stress are there and trust me, the kids are watching everything you say or do and wondering what is going on. There is no harm in opening the door as she is the one that will need to decide whether she steps over the threshold or stays in the home. Sometimes, we have to give the option of staying or going to them.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
