He isn't responsible, b/c you would tell him to let you know if he couldn't pay a bill, so you could cover it. I give you credit for being the responsible person in the M, but you kept thinking he would do the right thing and step up to the plate......but does he have the moral integrity to be responsible. Apparently there was no motivation or consequences to change his ways. He is treating you terrible, and he continues to have no consequences! Do you see what I mean? Your H eats cake b/c he can! Why should he change? B/c of his kids, or his marriage? No, b/c that means he would have to stop playing around and act like a responsible father & husband. Stop assuming he will just do the right thing. He sounds as if he's been spoiled rotten. I don't know if he is in a MLC (without more information), but there is no excuse for his behavior. There's a reason, but not an excuse.
Okay, so you are a very hard worker, and probably driven. You probably keep things functioning properly at home. You make sure the kids get their homework, have dinner, bathe, etc. You see what needs to be done.....and you do it. Your H, on the other hand, is not as driven. I'm wondering if his mother made him do chores, and I'm not saying this to be sarcastic. Can you tell us a little about his childhood? How was he in the early years of the M?
How was your sex life? I would think after working all day on your job, and then going home to deal with the children's needs and getting the chores done....you would be exhausted by bedtime. Not to mention you were probably seething, since your H didn't do that much to help around the house. I think most any woman would eventually have a little resentment. If you couldn't find a healthy way to live with a man who seems to be opposite of yourself, then I'd guess that you were pushing more & more resentment down into your heart. While at the same time, maybe he felt neglected. IDK, and that's why you can respond to my statements, so that we will understand the situation better.
Oh, sorry......I just went back to read your first post again, and you were saying pretty much what I just wrote in the paragraph above. As for as I can tell, all the work at home was done when he would go home around 10:00 or so. Was he intentionally going home late every night, or was he getting off his job at that time? When did he ever spend time with his children? He told you he would always be there for the kids, but is he there now? Am I being unfair?
Yes, of course he is trying to force your hand to let him go. (I'm sure the OW is putting pressure on him to divorce.) However, I don't know that it would be considered an exit affair. I mean, it's not his first affair, so did you think the other time was an exit affair? Would it make a difference in your feelings or decisions, to know it was an exit affair?
I was a wayward wife, and had an EA. I doubt anyone gets more riled about wayward spouses when a story of someone cheating or mistreating their spouse. If I could get you to understand how you are enabling the beast, maybe you would stop it........then again, maybe you wouldn't. I bet you are a good woman, and you are obviously a devoted mother. There is no freaking way I could put up with what you've dealt with......but you probably wouldn't want my life, either. Life often dishes things we don't deserve, and it doesn't necessarily depend on whether or not a person is caring, kind, patient, or good. I just said that b/c I don't want you to feel like I am judging what kind of woman/wife/mother/person you are. That's why I told you I had an EA years ago. I'm not in the position to judge anyone.
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I still love him and want our marriage to work for our children, but also because I care for him.
Why do you still love him? It sounds admirable to say you want to work on a M for the sake of your children, but one day those kids will be gone with their own lives, and it will be two strangers left at home. Then what? What's your plan? Don't get me wrong, Hesable. I'm not trying to persuade you to get a divorce. I'm trying to get you to tell us why you love this man. Are you prepared to live the rest of your life, lonely? You have continued to wait on him to change, it seems, and he just goes further the opposite direction. You continue to function like a single parent, and you might need to think about changing up a few things. Maybe I am being too harsh with my comments. Maybe you aren't ready to give a response. But, if it causes you to be honest with yourself and think about what you are prepared/willing to do to have the love and happiness you desire, then maybe this long post is worth it.
My final question (this time) is about boundaries. What are your personal boundaries, when it comes to how others treat you? What about boundaries for the marriage? If you discover your H is in another affair, what will influence you the most in deciding what you will do? I don't expect you to actually write out an answer to all my questions. I do hope you will think on them.
Take good care of yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
