Divorce and Acceptance Part 4

[Pax_luv]

Oh and some other thoughts-

Through an interesting circumstance, ex and I ended up sitting across from each other while the mediator and lawyers were getting situated. He has gone through great lengths over the years to avoid eye contact with me except for the few times he’s scolded me. I’ve mentioned in other sharings that he often has his sunglasses on when he’s around me to avoid eye contact as well. So today as we were sitting there, he was doing his usual fidgety business, but I was feeling pretty strong and I was checking him out. I can look at him and I can make eye contact. I was paying attention to his features trying to recognize the man I once knew, But he wasn’t there.

I didn’t see someone who looked terribly happy. He was dressed well, like how he used to dress before his Abercrombie phase that was followed by his sons of anarchy biker phase. He did have a lot of facial hair like a mini beard which isn’t anything he used to have. His eyes though...i could see it in his eyes that something was off. Like it happens to all of us... he’s gotten older and he now looks his age. I wonder if the beard was to cover it up. Also his hair was a lot darker than I remember. I don’t know if he’s getting much sunlight or if he’s coloring it... or if it just darker period.

Also, I genuinely felt bad for him. He has an issue with elevators which is problematic. He uses them, but today he didn’t/couldn’t. And a lot of folks snickered when they heard that he was waiting downstairs bc of the elevator issue. In my heart I felt bad for the guy because I want nobody to be laughed at for something out of control. Then I’m reminded that it’s ex and it could be an act, like as a way to set the stage to keep saying my dog is his support animal. Sad, but true. Regardless if it was ex or a complete stranger... I don’t like when people are laughed at and my heart hurt for him for a little bit.

Maybe I just saw him as a hurt young boy today. True, he doesn’t want to face reality and his actions have put him in a precarious situation (the mediator mentioned my ex did something that could be considered criminal), but as we know, hurt people hurt people. In my heart I want to believe that this whole thing has blown so far out of proportion that he doesn’t even know how to reel it in because that would require ownership and accountability.

At first, I got a huge chuckle out of the beanie situation getting brought up. But as I’ve reflected on it... I realize that’s all he’s got. It’s so minor to me, but it’s An issue for him. And maybe that beanie actually did mean something to him. If he’s still stuck in MLC, I’m dealing with an 11 year old boy who lost his brother and best friend, having a token from a special time likely means a lot.

So... I found a nearly exact replica (from what I can remember) of the lost beanie on Etsy. I can buy it and ship it to him without a word. Im not sure I’m going to do this, but it’s an option. 1) it will get him off my back about the stupid thing and 2) for whatever reason he feels like he needs this beanie. Whether it’s to get at me for something or because it is of actual sentimental value to him .. I’m not sure.