Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 4

[crdcheck]

I would hope that child counselors are really good at figuring out when parents are having the problems and not the kids. My guess is some are, and some are not. I would guess your STBXW is not trying to sabotage things... she is emotional and worried and has her anxieties. I would worry more about the subtle messaging.
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In short, I worry about the subtle messages my STBXW is communicating. The problem is... I don't think you can really control this. Maybe D4 goes to see somebody, and that person talks to both you and STBXW, and that person decides the separation anxiety issue is STBXW's. Do you think STBXW would be receptive to that feedback? My guess is probably not.

Agree with you on this for sure - it's a concern. STBXW will nail herself to a cross for D4 but that doesn't mean that it's valuable. Still, I worry that people will look at her, look at me, and say that I need to defer to her.

My sense is that things are still very raw between you and your STBXW. In my sitch, I hope when things thaw a bit that we do go to some family counseling to make sure the kids are doing okay. I hope my STBXW and I can get along at that level. But I would not go today, because there would be accusations of unfairness and poor parenting, etc.

Look, I don't know. As angry as I can be with her I'm scared when I see her. I'm still thinking about how to validate because I want a chance to make this work. There is definitely a bit of competition - I feel compelled to take D4 to Frozen 2 before STBXW does, and she felt compelled to take her to her first movie without me. But we aren't arguing in any way, there isn't much more than business conversation. Frankly, I talk a big game when I'm away from her but, when I see her, my heart stops. I won't say that I want to beg, etc., but, man, if she said that there was a chance, I'm worried I would regress back to where I was when I first arrived here.

Sorry for the long-winded answer.

Don't be, I'm a long-winded poster!

Six months ago my W was afraid to let me have the kids overnight at all - she thought I was violent and unsafe and abusive. Today I am close to 50/50. It was a hellish experience and I had to do a ton of validation and tiptoeing and not reacting to what seemed like completely irrational and crazy accusations. And it was all worth it. Still a work in progress.

Congrats!!!!

Also... I would absolutely agree that you should not be okay with STBXW and D4 going on their own to counseling.

Yeah, I made a mistake there - I may have said that she can do whatever she wants with her time/money, tried to walk that back today by reminding her to send me the website and excerpts from books with strategies for combating separation anxiety. On that one, I'm fine to take part in the strategies if they don't have a negative impact.

So basically, understand this is a huge adjustment for everyone involved, and things will more than likely settle down a bit. If you think STBXW has valid concerns about D4, by all means go get help for D4. That is more important than anything.

Agree with what you are saying. I don't think that her concerns are valid. But if others here have had experiences in line with STBXWs (i.e. child is only showing signs of separation anxiety with parent who they are upset about being separated from, not showing with other parent, school, friends, etc.) I would be more open.