-H is upset that I talked to a cousin about Christmas party - only told cousin the same story he tells people, which is he moved for work and we are going through some stuff. H's mom has taken that as a green light to tell everyone details, but I am getting blamed for that. I'd talked to cousin around Thanksgiving, and he must have just found out. I understand why he's mad, but it resulted in me officially being told I am not going. He hadn't told people in his family - which I didn't know, given how involved his mom has been (she also talks). He said his family can be catty. MC said to set boundaries with them. I later said I am not scared to be around them.
-I went ahead and said what I had to say - we can't file until April, why not try? We have fun, and he is using old info to continue at this impasse. I had said more about some mistakes I made (not enough words of affirmation in marriage), and how my actions didn't align with my feelings, and that's why I feel optimistic about fixing my parts.
-He said he has a ton of fun when we are out (then named several reasons why which was flattering) but that it's been a relief to not come home to me - bc that was stressful and negative. I validated, and said that there are a lot of steps in between us getting a beer and him coming home, and made that very clear. I said I would want to take things one step at a time. I said I don't want him to jump straight into the pool - I want to go toe by toe, and he can get out of the pool at any time.
-H said he has been sad, had a hard time, had a depressive episode a week and a half ago.
-H genuinely listens and absorbs when we go, so seemed overall less negative towards the end.
-We are not going to MC any more, unless we get to a point where we need it. Since we are still at impasse, it's pointless. H said if we end up going on a few dates, we can make another appt.
We then came to "my" house for him to get the dogs, and we talked further. This talk was shorter, but a lot more productive?:
-H took my printed out 'steps' or things it would take to R to read.
- I said it's too painful to continue to interact so much about the dogs, so I am not going to watch them anymore. This hurts, because I love them, but I think it's for the best for now. He validated/understood.
-I said I'd booked a camping trip for NYE and he's invited if he wants to go - I am gonna go anyhow, and didn't want him to feel he can't. I doubt he will, and that's actually OK with me.
-I finally had the courage to ask if he is 100% done. He said he "thinks so." I asked do you think so or are you? And he said he didn't know. I said that is OK to say.
-I asked: how would he like to handle things going forward? I got a surprising answer. He said he isn't opposed to getting beers, and that he has block leave for the holidays and will be in town starting next Wednesday or Thursday. I made zero reaction to this. He then went on to say that I will hear for him and he will definitely reach out and schedule it (since he had done a bad job at this before and I said it was hurtful in MC).
I feel better that we do not have a next 'scheduled' reason to see each other, and that anything logistics or appointment related is now off of the table - no saving stuff for counseling, no dog interactions, which are all pleasant. Do I think he will schedule something? I don't know, and am going to take things one step at a time and quit stressing about the future for now. I can go more N/C now, which will hurt less - less opportunity for rejection, less stress about will he/won't he, etc. He is going to his place and doing nothing over the weekend, so I know has time to think. On the way out, I can tell he was waiting to see if I would hug him, and I did not. He said thank you for telling him all of the things I did in counseling today.
I know this distance will be good for me. I have a lot of GAL things planned (as I have been), so I am not sitting around all lonely and stuff. I am fortunately to have an amazing set of great friends. I am allowing myself to feel awful and shitty tonight, and then tabling that. He has still not remotely acknowledged that this has been hard for me, and I need to come to terms that he probably never will. My copy of DR finally came in the other day, so I was able to read it.
