Firstly Sandi2 - Thank you so much for the amazing thought you have put into responding to me. I have read it dozens of times today and i can't believe how much it resonates. In this period of introspection i have learnt a great deal about myself, particularly my passivity. I have been guilty of it and when i look back i recognise a lot of times where i have taken a back seat in our MR. That has been hard to reconcile with. In my letter to her, validating her feelings, recognising her reasons for wanting to separate i didn't place any pressure on her nor did i ask anything of her. Just wanted her to really know i understood. Not necessarily agree but understand nevertheless.
Something interesting - to me at least - is i believed she would read it and then destroy it or place in a draw - but its been a few weeks since i gave it to her and today whilst she was switching handbags for some event, i noticed she had been carrying it around with her. And she transferred it to her current bag. As others have cautioned, i am trying not to mind read, or question any behaviour but i guess i wondered about my belief of what she would do with it. Something or nothing, who knows right?!
DaB35 - I'm trying to GAL. I know i have let things slide. Only now i notice just how much. I have this internal battle in my head going on, trying to stop thinking about what has happened, what is happening with MR and forcing myself to focus on me. Another trait i've discovered about myself is that i try to please those around me, sacrificing my needs. Not that i see anything wrong with sacrifices, it shows a willingness to defer satisfaction but again have learnt by doing so my resentment would manifest in negative ways. This period has really opened my eyes to who i am, what i have allowed to accept in others as well as myself.
Today has been a test. We have talked about Christmas, and i said id rather talk face to face rather than over email. We have been having some really positive and quality family time lately and in recognition of that, I requested that we spend it together as a family. Her response was yes just the four of us. I left it at that. I didn't want to get drawn on anything else, and have since come to bed writing this!
So yes Sandi2 - You are right, as i walked away it was with a feeling that i should be doing something to demonstrate my commitment, my desire to change the status quo, to hug, to hold, just a touch - anything. But i let it go. I passed my own test, and told myself - You need to grow. You need to rediscover the real you.
