I'm curious as to what your life was like before the BD. Did you so stuff by yourself? what about before you got married?
I was a homemaker and I had just gotten a job. To be frugal I baked, cooked from scratch, clipped coupons,etc. I hosted sleepovers and drove kids around. Evenings were spent with WAH watching mind numbing tv. I wanted a different life but WAH wasn't much fun. He worked a lot and I gave him a break because he was tired. I still love him I just didn't want to spend all my free time watching tv.
Before marriage I was a driven, ambitious person, I was in college and I set my goals on the corner office which I did eventually get. You know the whole I'll be happy when thing. It didn't make me happy and little did I know that what I needed to do is what I'm attempting to do now, be internally happy.
I hope you keep baking. That is certain a good activity. I know I did a lot.
It sounds like you settled into an unrewarding pattern. These situations help crystalize what is important to us as humans.
What I did instead was came here, posted, read, listened, followed the advice
Check. I'm following some of the advice. Working on this.
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That's what GAL is. It's this huge, daunting task that you need to do even though you don't want to. You don't go from zero to full GAL overnight. You start with a piece, and you build on it. Don't be paralyzed by fear, pick something small and do it. Maybe it's walking around the block every evening after work. Or learning to knit, or paint. Pick something and spend some time every day doing it. Don't think about all the reasons why you can't or won't or shouldn't, just make it happen. It's that hard, and that easy.
You know me I put it all out there knowing full well I might get backlash. People here hold me accountable which is highly annoying but I appreciated being challenged. I'm a "handle with care" person though. Working on toughening up too.
7:00 wake up 7:45-5:00 work 5:00-5:30 pick up dinner 5:30-6:00 dishes and laundry 6:00-6:30 cook dinner 6:30-7:00 eat dinner. 7:00-8:00 chores, read, ipad, watch tv 8:00-8:30 S19 wants to talk before he visits WAH 8:30-9:45 D17 and I watch tv (not mindless) 9:45-10ish S19 comes home and wants to talk
He follows me to the bathroom while I brush my teeth and take my meds. Both my kids are chatty. They fight over getting my full attention. This isn't exact but you get the idea. I didn't do much of this before. We were this awful family where meals were eaten quickly, kids retreated to their rooms, WAH watched tv and we wouldn't see the kids until bedtime.
7:00-8:00 chores, read, ipad, watch tv 8:00-8:30 S19 wants to talk before he visits WAH 8:30-9:45 D17 and I watch tv (not mindless) 9:45-10ish S19 comes home and wants to talk
Isn't this kinda GAL?
I believe electronic devices are not GAL.
GAL ideas:
Go for a walk Take the dogs for a walk Build a puzzle with the kids....talk then play dominos with kids or uno Go watch live music Gardening Build a model plane Look through a telescope at the moon go have coffee with a freind take a class paint a picture setup a saltwater fish tank
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have had a few days where I stayed off my devices and kept the tv off. Those days I'd bake, clean the kitchen, something. It sounds like there is a lot of time in the evening but there isn't. D17 and S19 can talk and talk and talk. I imagine they need that right now or they are making up for lost time. I spent years checked out and depressed. I just got on a new med right after WAH left. It was like a light switch turned on whereas before I felt like I was in a fog.
At the moment I'm at the doing good to get through the day part since BD2. Just now I went to the bank and the sadness just overtook me. I have to drive by his work and they all knew he had OW. S19 told me she wears animal print glasses and the girl at the bank wears animal print glasses.
After WAH left D17 starting sharing her favorite shows with me. We'd have snacks, talk, laugh, high five each other. It became this nightly ritual and it's an hour. As I've said before tv really isn't my thing so I'm doing this for her.
I hope you keep baking. That is certain a good activity. I know I did a lot.
It sounds like you settled into an unrewarding pattern. These situations help crystalize what is important to us as humans.
Haven't baked since I found out about the OW. It's only been 3 weeks.
I played a huge part in the unrewarding pattern. I was negative as you see and depressed. He was depressed too and says I am the cause of it. Says I caused him to drink. Caused him to avoid coming home. He avoided me and I got angry. He then used my anger to justify him leaving.
I just triggered and I think he's never coming back despite the part where it is fixable. He ran away and while he got rid of me he lost a lot too. He doesn't care of course. He's already got someone and I get some peace knowing that since he didn't spend time alone to heal he will likely repeat the same pattern because he is the same guy who works all the time and watches a gazillion hours of tv.
Without introspection and healing we will both end up in the exact same place. I've dated enough men to see this in hindsight. Even when I picked polar opposites the ending didn't change. He's dated other women like me so I'm nothing new. I would pick another emotionally unavailable man or worse a clingy one. He likes anxious women because I worshiped him but then he hated it because I wouldn't leave his feet.
Should I be worried? My concern was that WAH would cut back his hours before filing. S19 says he’s still working all the time but I’m paranoid. His day job comes with tons of overtime. The last big event he worked was in September. He’s supposedly still working the 2nd job but it doesn’t pay much. S19 says he’s gone half the time which would be the big box store since it’s the holidays. The big overtime varies. Usually it’s slow this time of year. Or this could just be the OW. S19 says he’s still doing nooners but somewhere else now. He knows this because WAH has a work truck.
My gut feeling he’s not thinking about filing and doesn’t know I have. He’s caught up in buying S19s love which costs money. It’s only been 2 months and it’s unlikely he’s paid off the moving expenses yet. I thought he was clever but we’ve caught him in so many lies. When looking at his income that varies will they go back a year? How long does it take for him to get served? Is that enough time for him to cut back his hours?
If your h is still working and has the opportunity for overtime, I wouldn't be too concerned. During the holidays, I'm sure he's picking up extra hours on his second job. Second guessing what he is or isn't doing isn't going to help you. In fact, it will make you more paranoid and anxious.
It can take a while before he is served depending upon the case load. I would ask my lawyer those tow questions, I.e., when does he/she anticipate that he may be served and if it's going to be after the holidays, how will the judicial system look at your h/s situation if he cuts back his hours? In some states, they look at the "straight" pay and don't consider the overtime in the equation...that would also be something you need to ask your lawyer because overtime is not a guaranteed income each payday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I won't beat you up. You are having a natural reaction to the emotional trauma that has happened to you. To say that you need to get over it is like telling someone who was hit buy a car they need just get over it. Most people would never say that.
It takes time to heal and you will go through varying emotions during the process. It's not even been a year.
DB is about moving on which I get. It's challenging LBS's to GAL so they can heal. I get that too.
In real life people are kind, understanding, and supportive. Its different. I don't want that here so the balance works. I'm told to pick myself up up here and in real life I'm told to take care of my babies and be kind to myself. In real life I have good friends who love and support me in my time of grief. I will continue to push myself mindful of the knowledge that my life and my kids lives just blew up. Heck I'm about to have to put my former disney D17 girl on antidepressants. What the heck just happened??
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I think you will get there, but don't beat yourself up if you feel down. It's part of the process. I see some growth in your posts even if you don't see it. I just wanted to share that.
Thank you. I do appreciate the kind words. I think I'm growing too it's just at a snails pace compared to other people here likely due to the part where I struggle with negativity. I have times when I feel optimistic and positive it just doesn't last long...yet. I want to give up sometimes but I have not.
I hear that about the snails pace of growth. Its almost like our focus becomes more about winning the other person back, and even more importantly, understanding what happened with full clarity, (which could take years.) Just to become emotionally stable with the sich, ourselves, our independence, detachment, and carrying forward with our lives, one commitment, one task at a time.
I feel like a failure because I'm not GAL. I don't want a hobby and I don't want to spend time with other people.
Just like everyone else after BD! I cried all the way to work, couldn't hardly get anything done at work, cried all the way home and then just wanted to curl up in a ball in the corner of my room with the door closed. That's what I WANTED to do. What I did instead was came here, posted, read, listened, followed the advice. I made myself GAL, I mean dragged myself out the door kicking and screaming. At first it was just going to the gym, I could do that with minimal fuss. Drive there, work out for an hour, drive home and be miserable some more. But then I started talking to people more and more, and adding other activities. I got back into building R/C planes and model cars. I took a painting class with my daughter. I reached out to old friends I hadn't seen in a long time and set up lunches and dinners with them. I went from hating GAL, to tolerating it, to liking it, to loving it. And at each of those steps I thought about my XW and my sitch progressively less.
I do volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity. Do you know how utterly daunting it is to build a house? To look at a weed-infested lot and say you're going to build a house on it? How in the world do you do it? One tiny piece at a time. You clear the lot. You pour the slab. You grab a piece of treated wood for your bottom plate. You mark the stud locations on it. You drill holes in it for the anchor bolts. You grab a stud and nail to it through the bottom plate. Then another stud and another, then the top plate, etc. etc. You build it one bit at a time. At first it seems impossible. But then you see progress, and you find yourself wanting to push harder. Months later, there's a complete house standing before you. Sometimes you look at it and you wonder how it happened.
That's what GAL is. It's this huge, daunting task that you need to do even though you don't want to. You don't go from zero to full GAL overnight. You start with a piece, and you build on it. Don't be paralyzed by fear, pick something small and do it. Maybe it's walking around the block every evening after work. Or learning to knit, or paint. Pick something and spend some time every day doing it. Don't think about all the reasons why you can't or won't or shouldn't, just make it happen. It's that hard, and that easy.
This is a great example and great advise how a little commitment goes a long way.
7:00-8:00 chores, read, ipad, watch tv 8:00-8:30 S19 wants to talk before he visits WAH 8:30-9:45 D17 and I watch tv (not mindless) 9:45-10ish S19 comes home and wants to talk
Isn't this kinda GAL?
I believe electronic devices are not GAL.
GAL ideas:
Go for a walk Take the dogs for a walk Build a puzzle with the kids....talk then play dominos with kids or uno Go watch live music Gardening Build a model plane Look through a telescope at the moon go have coffee with a freind take a class paint a picture setup a saltwater fish tank
^^^ Does anyone see a pattern here in comparison of 21st century living vs. 20th century living in fruitfullness, rewardfulness and and productivity?
