Persistant Endurance (Part 7)

[curtis7]

I had been reading another book about affairs and an approach is described that lays out Plan A (ask W to end A) and Plan B (go NC if chooses to continue the A’s). I felt it was appropriate to ask WW to end her A’s, clearly state my requirements for R, and allow her to make the choice.

Here is my version of Plan A that I sent in an email the morning after W spent the night with OM3 (about 4 weeks ago):
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W,
I am offering you a gift. That gift is the opportunity to save your family. I apologize for the part I played in leading up to the affairs. I see that I did not meet all of your most important emotional needs. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. I am asking and encouraging you to end your affairs so we can begin to move forward together.
If you choose to join me, know that I have needs to protect my own mental and physical health. I want to communicate those needs to you. My needs are complete NO CONTACT with the affair partners and absolute HONESTY. I am not asking for this to be one-sided. We are both equally responsible for our marriage and working on a recovery plan. I will put forth my full support and effort to meet your needs. End your affairs and you’ll find me more than willing to work on any and all of our issues, including my own.
Forgiveness is possible and trust can be rebuilt. I know that I will need to forgive you for what were very bad choices. I also know that does not define you as a person. Love is a choice and the feelings will follow. It may take many months. It will take work and starts with a commitment by you. I can assure you that I am NOT interested in judging or punishing you. I can imagine what you are going through is confusing and incredibly difficult. I can only imagine your pain. I'm sorry for that. I've never wanted to see you in pain.
There is so much I want to experience in life with you. Your dreams, my dreams, our dreams, our kid’s dreams and everything in between. You are the only partner I want to share that with. I’m not going to let one bad year destroy a lifetime of happiness in the future with you. I will do my best to forgive and forget the past.
I have no intention of making reconciliation painful, there has been enough pain on both sides leading up to this and over the past year. Also, it doesn’t matter what others think, this is our life together. The next chapters in our story haven’t been written yet. I want to make them filled with fun, excitement, and happiness falling in love with each other again.
I still love you, I always have. You are the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. I accept all of you and am grateful on the good days and the bad. We can have a marriage based on a foundation of love, trust, and respect. Let’s put the past behind us, reunite our family, and build a new loving, fulfilled marriage.
If this is not what you want, know that I will be incredibly hurt, but I’ll understand it’s time to move forward. I believe in you W. I feel confident that in the end you will do the right thing. It’s your choice.
With all my Love,
H
I'll leave you with this:
“Fall in love with your best friend. Someone you can talk to about anything and know they’ll hold no judgement. Someone who knows the darkest parts of you and loves you anyway, that knows all your flaws and loves you not in spite of them but because of them. Not someone that you can’t live without, but someone that you don’t want to live without. Someone that you want to experience all of life’s ups and downs with. Someone who will hold your hand through the worst times of your life. When they see you at your worst, when you’re broken, and they don’t run away but help you put the pieces back together, that’s real love.”
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W sent a text later that morning stating “Read your email. Need to read it a couple more times I think. Thank you for sending.”

This was my version of earning my way out of the MR. My thought process behind taking this action was to remove ambiguity from what it will take to R with me, let W know that we can move beyond the betrayal, and work together to build a new MR that is better for both of us. My intent was not to offer a long period of time for her to make the choice. However, during that time she would experience the best version of me when we did interact. After a short time, I planned to ask for her decision. If she still doesn’t know, then I planned to ask what she wants in the settlement.

A few days later, S8 was at a sleepover with a friend and I asked W if she wanted to join me to see a local concert. She didn’t feel like being around other people and instead came over and watched a movie with D5 and I. W and I were talking during much of the movie about a new truck she would like, her saying that we should replace the coffee and end tables in our living room, remodeling disasters at her place, what she feels needs to be done over there, etc.

After the movie, D5 asked W to stay the night. D5 said you can sleep in bed with dad (bless her heart). W said she can’t yet. We put D5 to bed and W got ready to leave. She decided to stay and talk about how over privileged others are and how no one in her circle has to live in a low cost home like her. She mentioned how her BFF’s and others scoff at her place when they walk in. We talked about what else she wants to do with that house. She was getting tired, thanked me for the invite, and left.

The next day I took the kids to a birthday party and planned to play volleyball afterwards. W texted to ask about volleyball and said she wanted to play. She joined us and we had a great time. It was the first time she played in almost a year. We used to play together fairly regularly. It felt like W has some interest in things going back to her previous normal life.

A few days later I asked her out on a date to see a comedy show the upcoming weekend. On that Friday night, W came to volleyball with me and the kids again. On that Saturday night, I picked up W, we had a few apps and drinks at a nearby restaurant, shared many laughs at the comedy show, then went to a bar for a nightcap. We picked up the kids and dropped them off at her place. She thanked me for the evening. Still no physical contact or real desire that I could sense.

Over the next couple weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I flirted with her a bit and exchanged a few more texts than normal. I acknowledged that I pursued too much in this timeframe, she was feeling pressured, and I wasn’t letting her come to me.

On to the next big R talk on Thanksgiving...