Persistant Endurance (Part 7)

[curtis7]

Greetings fellow DBers, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted an update. This one will be lengthy so I’ll divide it up into a few posts. Reader’s digest version is that I’m still in limbo, married, separated, no paperwork filed, and W’s affairs continue as far as I know.

Where to begin, let’s start with about 7 weeks ago when I told her I was moving forward with my life and handed her the asset list so we could start making decisions on dividing things up. Well about 5 weeks ago she was at our place feeding the horses and a lengthy R talk ensued. I approached her asking if she had reviewed the asset list. She said she hasn’t had time. I asked what’s the plan with that? She said she doesn’t know what she wants. She needs more time, blah, blah. Hasn’t had time to figure things out. I said I don’t know is as much of a non-commitment as I want our marriage to be over. I said that I don’t want to remain married to someone that is pursuing affairs.

W said it was good that she told me it was over last November. She said I wouldn’t have ever changed otherwise. I thought about it for a moment, then agreed that it helped me see the person and husband I wanted and needed to be. I told her the moment she gave me that letter (BD) everything became crystal clear. She said I made it worse by snooping and pressuring her afterwards. I agreed and said that all of that was unnecessary if she would have accepted the fact at the moment of giving me that letter I was forever changed. If only she knew how much unnecessary damage has been caused by not giving us a chance in those crucial first couple weeks after BD we could have been spared a world of hurt and recovery. Now we are faced with the greatest challenge in our lives and relationship. We agreed that our communication over the past year has been better than any time in our relationship.

She asked why I brought the list over that night. I said it was a culmination of things in that we were making progress at our Retrouvaille weekend, then on that Saturday night or Sunday morning I sensed that the OM contacted her and she pulled away. We were answering the dialoguing questions and meeting a few times in the weeks that followed, then she stopped working on it. Finally, D5 told me about how having two houses was not cool, all of that was why I felt it was time to give her what she wanted and move forward. It was just too much for too long. I told her I waited for a long time hoping that she realized the reality of her choices or that the affairs would fizzle out over time, but I couldn’t tolerate it any longer. I told her I realized that she had become attached to the OM.

I told her I couldn’t continue keeping this up in limbo and felt it was time to give her what she wants, not being married to me. She said she was talking to her childhood friend the night I came over and told her I was done. She was telling her how the Retrouvaille weekend was a disaster because I had expectations. She told her friend that maybe we could date each other. Then, she said I told her that I was moving on. I corrected her and said I was moving forward. She didn’t understand the distinction and I explained that I am ready to move in a direction with or without her.

W said that I will control her by looking at everything if she were to come back and that was the whole reason she left. I told her like before that I don’t want to have to watch over her, that’s not healthy for either of us. I said that’s why it’s so important to rebuild trust so I never feel the need to monitor her. W was concerned about what people will think if she does or does not come back. W said I was raised being told I was perfect. She was raised believing that she isn’t good enough and that no one thinks she can make it on her own. She said I don’t know what’s it like to be deprecated by everyone. She doesn’t want people to think she came back because she couldn’t make it on her own.

W said that she hasn’t contacted OM3 since before the RV weekend although he tried to contact her (lie, she went to his place in mid-Oct). She also said OM2 only contacted her recently to share something about his daughter (lie, she was scheduling a hookup with him a day earlier). She claimed not to have seen either of them. She says she went to them because it was convenient. I asked if she’s worried about the full truth coming out, if she’ll feel guilty, or that I won’t be able to forgive her, or that I’ll continue to bring it up and judge her. She responded that she feels zero remorse for what she’s done. I told her I do have an amazing capacity to forgive and based on what I know, which is the worst, I feel that we can get passed it. I told her that even my forgiveness has limits. Like when the affairs continue and you see how much it hurts me, but you don’t choose to give them up. She said she knows even I have limits.

W said she never cheated on me until we were separated. I told her we are married, she said no we aren’t. I said you can justify it any way you want. She said she was never with another man until she told me it was over. Again says that we aren’t married, only a piece of paper, hasn’t been able to feel separated, blah, blah, blah. I told her that we can’t have a marriage or work on rebuilding until she breaks off all contact with the other men she is cycling between. She said what plural other men, how do you know, blah, blah, you’re spying on me, have you driven past my house? You make me out to be a slut. I told her you can’t have feelings for me as long as you are in contact with them.

W said maybe we could start with dating. I told her I might be open to date her but will not compete with other men. She claims she can remain friends with them. I told her that is not an option. My boundary is absolute no contact with them ever again. She said she can understand that. I told her she is choosing affairs over family, infidelity over marriage. She said well I guess we’re done then. I said okay, I guess they are more important to you than me, than your family. She didn’t like that and felt the guilt.

W said I only want her for the image and I like having others know she is with me. She said she knows her good looks and intelligence are attractive to all men. She said all these guys want her just for sex; from guys in their 20’s to older men. I asked is that what you want and she replied no. I described a book I read to her about 10/10/10. It suggests you think about the consequences and impacts of your decisions in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years from now. I asked her if these men are going to be there for her in the future. She said no, that they aren’t long term options. I asked if she believes I will be there and she said she doesn’t know. I said you don’t know after having been there for 19 years together and knowing what I’ve tolerated the past year. She said you haven’t been there for me. W said she is broken and doesn’t think she can be fixed. I said you have someone right here that accepts all of you, even the broken parts.

I reiterated my boundary and said we can’t move forward any other way. I told her that I can’t go back to that pain, I need that boundary to be safe and to protect myself. I need that to be able to rebuild trust. I asked if she listened to an Affair audiobook I sent her several weeks earlier and she said she hasn’t had time. I explained to her how the clock resets every time she interacts with the OM and her feelings for me won’t return until she closes that door forever. I said it could take many months and after 30 days of NC it will get easier for her, then 2 months, 3 months, and by 6 months she may lose the feelings for them completely and look back and ask herself what was I thinking, what did I almost throw away?

W kept asking how I know things and I just told her I know. She said we have everything yet she doesn’t know what is missing. She asked why is it so easy to get married and so difficult to split everything up? She was upset about the thought of losing the place to keep her horse (there it is, the horse is most important to her, not me). She said I’m trying to force the situation and she knows I’m losing patience. I told her I can’t keep living like this, I want more. I told her it [censored] when she goes back to them knowing what she is giving to them and not me. I told her it bleeping [censored]. She seemed to feel the shame. We walked to her car and she said we should sleep on it and talk again another time. We shared a long hug and she left.

The next day I scanned all the pages in my Retrouvaille notebook and emailed them to her stating I thought she might want it someday.

The next day she brought the kids over to exchange. I walked up to her car to ask a question about the kids, she was texting someone and looked at me with disgust for interrupting her. She answered my question and left. I later discovered she was headed to spend the night at OM3’s again. He lives 2 hours away. W texted me on her drive saying how good S8 is at chess and how both our kids amaze her. I replied to agree and state they have the best of us. It blows my mind how she can make choices in good conscience to destroy her family.

On to the next update for the action I decided to take...