My M is in an interesting place. Things are okay on a day to day basis. We have moments were we tolerate each other and are annoyed by the same old things. Then we have these bursts of closeness. A spark is still in there. It is hard to access that on any continual basis. I suspect that is mostly my fault. Sandi talks a lot about having to have respect for attraction to be genuine. I completely agree. I have to train myself to respect him. By that I mean letting go of grudges and accepting his actions and who he really is. Sometimes I pick at things or hold on to hard feelings. I know it is not always fair. I can feel it. I think we are also not good at communicating. We get annoyed and bicker and then we wait for it to pass. I have to change that. I am trying to think of new ways I can communicate outside of the moment in a more calm and respectful way. Sometimes the most basic things feel the hardest.
Blu
Hello Blu. It's been a while since I've posted - I've just updated my thread - but this from what you shared a couple of posts back really stuck out for me. I feel precisely the same way these days. I don't feel as hurt or panicked or frightened or desperate or abused as I did and a lot of the behaviours that were unacceptable to me have changed, and are slowly being replaced with different behaviours. There's sometimes a slide into old patterns repeating, and that does scare me, but generally things day to day are okay. But only okay. I struggle to feel respect. I can accept who he is but I do not really respect that person. We both get annoyed and we do bicker now and again - or we avoid each other for the sake of peace. There's small glimmers of truth-telling which sparks closeness and intimacy, but they are rare and I don't know how to make them happen or even facilitate good conditions for them to occur naturally, if that makes sense. When I put myself in my husband's shoes and imagine what it feels like to live with a wife who is clearly ambivalent about him and struggling to feel love and respect, I can see how difficult it would be for him to feel vulnerable enough to look at his own dark side, show affection and love, and give some radical honesty and collaboration - these are the things I want. I can see I am not very good at doing my bit in making them happen. I know my ambivalence is in part a protective mechanism, which is understandable, and in part it's rational - there are big parts of me that look at my husband and just plain don't like or love what I see. I struggle with that. I struggle with committing to either repair or divorce. If you have any advice or suggestions for me, I'd be willing to take them. I know it's very very early days for me.
