it's been a long time since I posted. Time for an update, I think?
So - I am still seeing my IC. We're still working on my childhood, and at times it is difficult and upsetting but I am generally seeing progress. I feel a little more confident in setting boundaries with my children and others, and more compassionate towards myself when I find those things difficult. I can see how many of my decisions as an adult - especially in how I decided to handle myself and my emotions in my marriage - were powered as much by fears implanted in me by a toxic childhood as they were rational responses to pretty shoddy behaviour on the part of my husband. I am not at the bottom of this and perhaps I never will be. But I see improvement.
H is back in the family home. It was a quick decision - perhaps too quick - and it has not been easy. I wanted him to come back, he wanted to be here, legally I did not have a right to prevent him from being here. He tells me he feels like he has more space - is more able to be open about his feelings, feels more respected as a parent and sees me doing the 'hard' stuff of parenting more often. I'm glad to hear that from him. He is definitely more affectionate and respectful of Eldest, and spends good time with Youngest. There has been no hint of violent or aggressive behaviour, coercion or manipulation from him. The criticism has been dialled right down. He's grumpy now and again - but we all are. In some aspects of our lives I see him being more adult and taking more responsibility. In others, I see the same passivity and blaming of others that I saw so much before BD and in the aftermath of it. I have no concerns about EA or PA from him at all - he is open and transparent about where he is and what he's up to - though generally he's either working or at home.
Me - I am ambivalent. Extremely. I need to think more - especially in my IC - about how my ambivalence is actually a way of protecting me from making a decision. When I feel sad - which is reasonably often - it feels like I am left to choose between a sub-standard marriage to a man whose flaws are very apparent to me - or the pains and emotional and practical discomforts of a divorce. Neither seem particularly attractive right now. I have GAL. I see my friends often. I am taking care of my health. I do my share in the house. My work is going well and I have applied for that promotion, which I will hear about soon.
But being stuck here with regards to my marriage keeps me in a 'victim' position and means I don't have to make any changes. I do realise that. I also realise my ambivalence is self inflicted. I have the financial independence and information I need to go for a divorce. I would manage on my own okay, even if it was painful for a long time. It feels like the easier option. It feels very frightening to me to commit to working on a marriage with a man who is so flawed. I can't say he is abusive, as he was, but he isn't who I wish he was. I feel utterly disillusioned. I tend not to bother bringing things up with him these days as I feel I can predict how he'll respond and I'm not interested in hearing the usual responses. I do think he prefers that and I do think he is also making effort to be different as far as he can. I know I need to be different to, but other than self-reliance, GAL and STFU, I don't know how to make that difference in myself. I do know that outlining to him what it is I am unhappy with has never provoked change or empathy and I have little faith doing it again would.
He has carried on seeing his IC but let the appointments slip from weekly, to fortnightly, to three weekly. I don't know the last time he went on his own. I made a boundary that I didn't want to hear about his sessions - they were private to him (I believe he was weaponising his reports of them) and that has been useful for me. We have an appointment to see his IC together in a couple of weeks. Again - I feel ambivalent about that.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me to get out of this ambivalence? Obviously I am making a choice - he didn't force himself into the family home - I said it was what I wanted to. I do have choices. It's just none of them seem that appealing. I don't want to be in this mindset. I want to pick an option and work towards it wholeheartedly, having faith that it will improve things for me and my children, even if it is difficult or painful in the short term. I know there are no guarantees and that I will need to be resilient enough to bear some risk. I am not sure the 'prize' of being in a marriage with the man who I am currently living with is enough of an incentive to put myself through the pain and risk of wholeheartedly making a repair. Am I looking at this in the wrong way?
