Sorry you're going through a rough time. Addressing your underlying anxiety issues will probably have a very positive and widespread effect on you and your sitch. Get great help with this and really work at it. Really dig in on this man.
You are struggling with the counter-intuitive nature of the advice you are getting here. I get it. But the reason the vets' advice carries so much weight is that they have seen so many sitches over the years and the same scenarios play out in similar fashion over and over and over. There are exceptions to every rule but the odds are stacked heavily against you that you have an exceptional sitch. You have been referred to Sandi's Rules. You can follow them, or you can do the opposite if you like. Here are the Anti-Sandi's Rules:
1. Pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead and implore! This turns the spouse completely off, but do it anyway!
2. Make frequent phone calls to spouse.......never let him/her be the one to call you. Try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....never say good-bye first.
3. Point out good points in marriage and try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you alone but share it anyway!
4. Follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Encourage talk about the future. Even though they don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, and they want to stay clear of that subject.
6. Ask for help from family members or friends. Discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Ask for reassurances (Show neediness and be clingy.) Don't show self-respect or self confidence.
8. Buy gifts to make "brownie points". (You can't buy his/her love and affection but try to anyway.)
9. Schedule dates together. (Pursuing.) Don't wait for later when the R is much better.
10. Spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse but do it anyway.)
11. Say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it, but say it anyway.)
12. Don't act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a bad attitude.
13. Don't be cheerful, strong, outgoing or attractive at any time! In other words, be the worst you can be and look the worst you can look at all times.
14. Sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – don't get busy or think of things to do. Don't go to church, or go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself.
15. When at home with your spouse, don't be scarce with your words. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "everything" and have a unpleasant expression on your face. Make it long and complicated. Get into an argument! Don't stay polite. Act like you are pouting. Don't use poise and class. Be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM EVERYTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are NOT giving them space and asking no questions! You don't enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are not getting a life also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have not had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are not going to move on with your life without your spouse.
18. Be nasty, angry and cold. Don't pull back and wait to see if spouse notices - ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!! This is important! If you don't, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse unhappiness and discontentment. This will not confuse them b/c it is what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would not want to be around all the time, somebody that cannot be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see that.
20. All questions about marriage should not be put on hold, even though your spouse doesn't want to talk about it, so don't be patient.
21. Always lose your cool! Let your spouse trap you into a fight. Take her/his bait.....don't leave the room or the house for a while in order to avoid a fight.
22. Be overly enthusiastic, always over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake, and you want to look fake.
23. Argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel but argue anyway!
24. Don't be patient......be very, very impatient. Don't give your spouse space and time. If you pull back, it will draw them towards you, but don't pull back - be impatient anyway.
25. Don't listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Don't look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Interrupt them when they are speaking and don't stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really don't care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to never back off, never shut up and never walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Don't take care of yourself (don't exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Don't be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Don't read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29. Know that if do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be not be noticed more than any words you can say or write, so say and write lots of words instead.
30. Openly show that you are "desperate" and "needy" when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse, but do it anyway.
31. Focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, do not focus on them.
32. Believe everything they say and 100% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared, and believe it all.
33. Give up no matter how dark or light it is or how good or bad you feel. Give up.
34. Ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse, but ask them anyway. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return, but so what.
35. Send several TM's or emails throughout the day. This is absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to get involved in the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Backslide from your hard earned changes.
We are all rooting for you Core. This is tough stuff buddy. You can and will weather the storm and come out of this better than before, it will take some time for you to believe that and then feel that but it's true. Hang in there man!
