I reviewed the situation with a counselor who asked some good questions and knows my situation and actually felt as though we had been making progress in marriage counseling. The litmus test was whether or not I felt like I was personally growing, which I do. I feel that I'm working on becoming a better more authentic me and in marriage counseling, I can work on that.
The counselor also pointed out that since she asked me for separation in September, she hasn't moved out and we are sleeping in the same bed.
He felt that going on dates is actually helping to reinforce the positive neuro pathways she has in regards to her experience with me. He asked if I had noticed anything and I laughed and pointed out that just that morning she had made my eggs. He felt that was actually significant and referenced the 5 love languages - her language is acts of service. He recommended I focus on whether or not she is doing things for me in her love language, which is harder for me to notice because it's not mine.
Matter of fact, I just realized that she asked to take the kids to school today, which is interesting. I need to learn to tune in to those things.
I do think that the advice her related to her needing to figure some things out for herself is really good advice and I couldn't agree more with that. I learned that she has started going to counseling herself which she had fought for some time, so that's a positive.
I've noticed that I am detaching my emotions from the situation to preserve myself, and I don't know if that is good or bad. I worry that may make it harder for her to connect with me as my emotions kind of get shut down, but that will have me not pursuing as much so I'm unsure.
I liked the example here that someone left related to how when something is annoying to us, any pushing or even the presence of that thing makes us want to withdraw even more - that example resonated with me, so I'm really trying to give the right amount of space.
The whole situation still makes me very sad. I never thought I would be in a place where I would accept a passionless loveless marriage. I'm not sure how long I have to accept it and I'm not sure if that's the entirety of my future. Thinking about it makes me feel very sad. So, for now, I choose not to and I choose on focusing on the day to day, spending time with the kids, enjoying what I have, and trying to hold out hope for a better future.
