KG ~ You are right that counseling has improved our communication. Most of what we cover is obvious... only text about logistics, set an agenda before a call, etc. My W tends to slip a lot on some of the simple guidelines, so the sessions help bring her back. I don't find myself learning much though. I listen and validate while my W periodically BD's me (calling me a "violent person" for instance). There is at least one mini-BD per session.
If I have an item to discuss at C, we usually pay it lip service. My W will roll her eyes, or huff and puff as if I'm complaining. So I rarely go into C with an agenda at this point. Her issues receive full attention. I'm not sure if this is the C recognizing that the more attention she receives, the smoother things go between us. I feel like these sessions are not give-and-take... they are mostly me validating, listening.
I don't know why my W wants to keep going. I think she feels safe in C to raise her concerns: for instance, our son's behavioral issues (and her speculation that I was to blame!). Sometimes I think we need to take the training wheels off and learn to navigate this process on our own. Maybe I am enabling my W by continuing to go to C.
LH, AS ~ I would not want to be M'ed to my W as she is right now. She is not the person I thought she was. And I don't think this is a matter of her getting well. I wouldn't want her to be her old self -- she would need to be a new self, someone capable of having difficult conversations (for one) with an open mind and an open heart. Even her old self was not capable. It just turned out as long as I went along with her needs, things were fairly smooth.
But then I think about people like IronWill here. He is incredibly resolute and patient. What prevents me from continuing on?
Am I wearing gray-colored glasses, or am I seeing clearly now?
