Trying my best....

[sandi2]

Hi Chaz (like the name), glad you decided to join our group.

Over the last 3-4 years, now and then we would have periods of standoffs. One wouldn’t speak to the other about something, that would escalate then die down and return to normal. Each time we would say to eachother that we need to communicate more and think no more of it.

Do both of you have a little stubbornness? Just wondered, since you used the word "standoffs". I can understand why you might want to avoid some of these situations becoming worse, due to the affect your parents' divorce had on you. How much do you think resulted from you being too passive in the MR? Things may have appeared to get better, eventually, but in many cases the woman will push these unresolved issues down in her heart. She may try to get past it, but if left unresolved...….there's a risk it's going to breed resentment. And, that resentment will breed some other negative emotions that will arise at some point in the MR. The H may not realize the truth behind her anger, selfishness, rebellion, or whatever...…...but I can promise you it started with unresolved issues. Some men think that if the woman isn't talking about it and isn't acting cold/angry, then everything is better.

A H's passivity can absolutely kill his W's attraction to him. It may take a while, but it works kind of like sandpaper. Once the shine & paint is gone, it starts getting down into the wood...….slowing eating it away. In other words, her respect for you as a man is affected. Her level of respect for you is tied to her sexual desire/attraction for you as a man. When the respect drops enough, the sex will usually drop as well. The fact that the two of you had a sexually starved M, suggests that the sandpaper had gotten into the wood.

Time went on, situation remained the same and by August I realised actually this time she is absolutely serious.

Wow! So, it took all this time.... and her shutting down the sex.... before you took her seriously?

I went to the Docs and was prescribed anti- depressants, and booked myself with a C to talk about my issues.

Good!

During this time, my W had begun detaching, initiating steps for us to separate. Emails/texts/calls took a business like tone and I fell into the trap of desperately trying to cling on. Constant ILY’s reminders of what we had, marriage vows – you name it, I did it!
Turns out that was the worst thing. I was pressing the wrong buttons. It has steeled her resolve that she is right.

She's right about what? That she needs to end the M?

I am fully committed to my M, and even more so as reading DR has resonated so deeply within me. I love my W, without question. Unconditionally infact. And I have realised that I was placing conditions upon her to fulfil my happiness.

I want to respond to your statement about being fully committed to your M, and how deeply you feel love for your W. You may feel this is the time she needs to be assured of how much you love her and how far you are willing to go to prove your commitment. However, this is not what she wants to hear or see, at the moment. Your W wants to experience freedom. If she is talking mediation, it's not b/c she wants to see you buckle down working on the MR (whatever working may mean to you). I don't mean this to sound harshly, but I say it from a place of experience and what I've learned over the past years. The more you crowd her, the more you push her away. It's like a dance. You step back, it draws her toward you...…..you step forward, she'll step back.

Don't misunderstand me. You can be committed to working on a plan of action that might bust a divorce. You can even be committed to honoring your vows. It won't bust a divorce, if she is set on getting one. It wasn't your lack of commitment that was the problem. Do you get what I am saying? It wasn't a lack of love that drove a wedge between the two of you. I have yet to see a LBH profess his enduring love and commitment to a WAW/MLCW/WW, and it stop an impending divorce. That's not to say I haven't seen other steps taken to bust a divorce. I'm not trying to take the wind out of your sail. I just want you to get the right mindset about this whole process, in order to do the best you can to save your family.

It is going to take time, and things will look a lot worse before they begin to look better. Some couples physically separate, and even divorce, before they finally reunite. You have to be determined to learn what works and what doesn't work. For example, you said you've read a lot of self help books. If you've read very many books about improving the MR, then you may be charged up to become "Super Husband". You'll put on your SH cape at the end of your work day to do all the chores around the house, cook the meals, take care of the kids, etc. The problem with this approach is that it does not work in saving the M, or even improving it. The H who does his share, and at times even a little more than his share........is okay. It is never okay for him to do it all, everyday, and leave nothing for his wife (who is quickly gaining a sense of entitlement). That's just one example of what doesn't work.

Here's the thing, Chaz. You will probably want to put into action those things you should have done the past 16 years, but due to the delayed timing..... and the mindset your W has developed...…..those actions will not produce the results you may currently desire. Therefore, the first thing you need to do is focus on the man. This is your time to grow. This is the time to reinvent yourself, and change how you see yourself as a man...….thus affecting how she will see you. You must show self respect before others will respect you.

I encourage you to read the homework page Cadet sent you, and post every chance you get.