what should a stander do, exactly?

[DnJ]

Hello G

I am sorry you find yourself here. It is really something, isn’t it? 30 years, plans, etc... and then this situation.

I know where you are. My W threw away me, her kids, her life, everything.

You have been forced onto a path you didn’t choose. The journey is difficult and very rewarding. Honest. This does get so much better.

Much of the advice will seem counterintuitive, not sound like the thing you should do. As you progress things will clear and will look brighter and better.

I am a problem solver as well. Most of us here are. This is one problem you cannot fix. You can’t fix her because you didn’t break her.

You can reframe or redefine the problem and fix yourself. Become the best version of you.

Focus on you. That is very sound advice that you’ll hear a lot of. Everything starts there.

You have the gift of time, use it well and use it wisely. Focus on you. Give W lots of space and time.

A MLCer is driven to run to escape from deep unrecognized torment and pain from long ago trauma usually inflicted from a person of authority in their younger years. Once a crisis is entered, it must run its course. The spouse you knew will change becoming the opposite of who you knew, the opposite of who they once were. They are trying to recapture their lost youth, relive those moments, to do all the things they didn’t get to. They will loose so much in the pursuit of their hollow dreams and fantasies.

Focus on you.

This process will take years. Much longer than you will want. I want my wife back too! Hmmm, I haven’t seen her in over two years. Well a couple of glimpses which lasted for a minute or so, and then back to that 18 year old teenager personality.

G, you focus on you. Push back denial. Find detachment and indifference. Work through the withdrawal of your addiction to W and your relationship. Let go of W, fear, attachment, etc... Find forgiveness.

All while choosing better not bitter. Remaining compassionate and gaining empathy. Healing your wounds and growing to the best version of yourself.

It sounds daunting. Really though it is just moving forward on your path, in your time, and in your order. It all starts with focus on you.

I hope we will talk soon.

Stay strong.

DnJ