Hey J - been reading your sit a little here and there. I'm sorry you're in such a [censored] up situation. If it helps, know that many of us are.
Boundaries are there for your protection. I stopped snooping at BD. It did me no good, just made me feel worse. (From reading your sit, I'm going to suggest that it made you feel much worse too.) Not snooping is also a concrete action that you can take. And you'll feel much better.
If she is viewing herself as single now, then you, for your own protection, need to put your walls up. I know it's not what you want, but I think it is necessary that you do that.
If R talks happen - and LBSes at your stage will inevitably do that (I did it too), find non-confrontational ways to state your boundaries if you are suddenly led there. These don't have to be monumental statements or events - just state them plainly and clearly.
For instance, when pressed, I told my W that I did not want to be with someone who did not want to be with me. It stunned her - I think she thought I would do absolutely anything to keep the MR. I also told her that she was free to leave, I was not going to beg her to stay if she wanted to leave.
The thing is, you actually have to feel that way. You can't fake statements like those. You have to mean it. And that takes time - to understand yourself and how you truly feel. That's also why vets recommend to avoid R talks as much as possible - to distance yourself, discover who you really are and how you really feel.
Only then can you speak clearly and from a place of truth and authenticity.
