We all deserve better than this. Love shouldn't be this hard.
I'm going to kindly push back on this. None of us humans "deserve" anything in life.
I understand what I think the gist of the comment is - that we should establish boundaries in order to protect ourselves and ensure we are not allowing ourselves to be abused. Standing up for ourselves and not wilting in the face of pressure. Yes, that I agree with.
But we don't deserve anything. That's our egos talking. And IMO, love is hard. It is supposed to be hard. When you can control only yourself and there are two people in a relationship, that is practically the definition of "hard". You can only be certain of 50 percent of what the married unit is thinking. You have to trust the other 50 percent is still "in it" with you.
I think we should be careful, otherwise we do ourselves a disservice by thinking that love would be easier with the right person. IMO it borders on the line of thinking similar to what WASes are going through - the "fantasy" of an ideal match.
To me, you make a decision to be with someone because you love them, and then - you gotta work at it. Hard. That's where I failed in the 1-2 years before BD1 in my sit, and so did my W.
Of course I realize others have differing opinions from mine - but that's how I view it.
IW - Thanks for the feedback, and hope you enjoyed your vacation!
That post on your thread from AmyC really resonated with me this morning. I guess I've never bothered to decide if my W was in MLC or not, and I don't really care, but what Amy described sounds so true.
On this point about deserving better, I could have chosen my words more carefully. Part of overcoming NGS is boosting my self-worth and self-respect. Part of doing that is reminding myself that I am a valuable person and I deserve to go out and conquer the world, rather than be a passive participant. I was a whimpering, blubbering mess writing 3 apology letters 8 months ago. I completely minimized my self-worth. It was self-flagellation to the extreme.
If love involves false abuse allegations, having your kids withheld, and having the one person you committed your life to trample all over you... I don't think it is supposed to be that hard.
But I get it... none of us DESERVE anything. DB is all about realizing you need to go out and OWN your happiness. There is a mistaken conception that you go out and find some ideal partner and then your life is just magically easy. It doesn't work that way, I get that.
I had a mistaken conception about love until the last year. I really thought love was about supporting your partner through thick and thin. I thought love cures all. I would have sacrificed everything for that. What a NG way to live (and keep in mind the NG partner doesn't enjoy the experience either). I do love my W. But that love does not trump everything else in my life anymore. Part of this process is redefining what love means to me. Love is not somebody else filling in your emotional voids. I know what love ISN'T now. I'm not sure what it IS.
Some of us choose to stand and be patient for years, and keep working on ourselves, because we see the inherent value. Some people never even find DB because they exit quickly. Maybe they work on themselves, maybe not. Maybe they repeat old patterns, I don't know.
Maybe I'm just trying to come to terms with what's around the corner. It's not what I want, but it is what it is. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself (and you anonymous forum peeps) that I'm doing the right thing, for myself and for my kids. But there is no right thing. It is elusive, and slippery, and just when you feel you have a hold of it, it's gone.
Maybe one day I will have the capacity to forgive. Maybe my W will come knocking on my door one day. I highly doubt it, but I won't erase the possibility. Stranger things have happened. I'm just not sure I'll be receptive. I probably won't.
