Regarding mediation, generally the stance taken here is "I don't want a D, but I won't stand in your way." DB would not be to refuse mediation. DB would be to let her do all the work setting it up.
Core points out some of the things to think about with mediation. Mediation only works well when both sides are on roughly equal footing in their negotiation abilities. I highly suggest regardless of what happens that you educate yourself on the process. I consulted a L to understand my custody and financial rights. Going to a L does not mean you *want* a divorce.
There are a lot of fears involved in this process for men with kids. For the most part I think these fears are irrational. Don't back off what you would ask for because you think men are awarded less custody typically, for example.
OK, enough about educating yourself.
Originally Posted by Chaz70
however since she wrote me what i call her 'Dear John' letter, i can see if i attach a belief that it is what she felt at the time, then the subsequent good days we have had together, as a family and on our own, alongside my change in demeanour - then am i right to feel bouyed by the upswing in her demeanour - or should i tread cautiously?
Detachment includes stopping all mind-reading.
Her change in attitude could mean absolutely anything. She could feel a weight lifted off her shoulders, more confident in D. She could be really enjoying the new coffee she's drinking. Who knows?
I would stop the letter-writing. My situation is a worst-case example if you want to read about it. But in general... she doesn't want to hear your thoughts. You can't win her back with a letter at this point. Heart-felt letters are the exact opposite of detachment. They are pressure, pursuit, emotional dumps on a person who doesn't want to hear how you are feeling right now. She only wants to hear how you are feeling about mediation and D because that is what SHE wants.
You mentioned conflict avoidance and going to C. These are great insights and great steps. During these sitches, we all get caught up in the logistics and the high stakes and the drama. Keep carving out that time and space to work on yourself.
