The daily test of emotional fortitude

[IronWill]

Hey U - I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Take it easy on yourself the next few days till these feelings subside a bit. Don't forget to breathe, and remember these feelings will pass.

I've been labeled "violent," "abusive,' and "emotionally labile." She almost withheld the kids until I wrote a "parenting plan" at the last minute which had me consulting lawyers and worried about going to court.

Then she turns and at times calls me an "awesome person."

Honestly, U - I think your W is doing the same thing mine did months ago. Everything was my fault. In hindsight, I see that she was projecting everything on to me because she could not accept what she was feeling.

She actually told me that "you do not want to be in my head right now". She wasn't kidding - this was not drama for nothing, she was telling me the truth. She was and still is in emotional turmoil and crisis.

Knowing all of this - there is still nothing I can do or could have done. That's why detachment is recommended. That's why asking them questions about the future is so fraught with peril. Because they don't know - they are all over the map. And that's why you get an answer that can vary so wildly - because it is based on what they are feeling at that moment.

There is nothing you can do. Trying to figure out why she said those things will do you no good, buddy.

We all deserve better than this. Love shouldn't be this hard.

I'm going to kindly push back on this. None of us humans "deserve" anything in life.

I understand what I think the gist of the comment is - that we should establish boundaries in order to protect ourselves and ensure we are not allowing ourselves to be abused. Standing up for ourselves and not wilting in the face of pressure. Yes, that I agree with.

But we don't deserve anything. That's our egos talking. And IMO, love is hard. It is supposed to be hard. When you can control only yourself and there are two people in a relationship, that is practically the definition of "hard". You can only be certain of 50 percent of what the married unit is thinking. You have to trust the other 50 percent is still "in it" with you.

I think we should be careful, otherwise we do ourselves a disservice by thinking that love would be easier with the right person. IMO it borders on the line of thinking similar to what WASes are going through - the "fantasy" of an ideal match.

To me, you make a decision to be with someone because you love them, and then - you gotta work at it. Hard. That's where I failed in the 1-2 years before BD1 in my sit, and so did my W.

Of course I realize others have differing opinions from mine - but that's how I view it.

And to be honest I don't know if I can ever get over what I've been through this year. Forgiveness will take me time.

This. I feel the same way, man. That's the difference between feel-good forgiveness and true forgiveness. I'm not sure I ever recommended the book Manly Marriage Revival to you or to someone else, but there's a whole chapter in that book solely on that topic. Definitely worth a read if you get the chance, a great companion read to DB and DR.

I'm glad I came to DB. I'm glad I'm working on my issues.

Considering all you've been through, you're doing great, U. Keep focusing on yourself and your kids. Let whatever happens tomorrow, happen tomorrow.

Take care, man - stay strong.