Hi guys! FS you are becoming my best angel in here, thanks a lot! I did have a bit of a set back today, after 4 days with the children I had to leave them with her and I woke up today thinking how it is possible that I am not going to be there all days with my children and they are not going to get my support.
I am fighting to be the lighthouse, bring stability and peace to the lives of both S6 and S1 and at the same time control my emotions and move on. As I said my LRT +180 is to move on, to be a better listener and to never ever speak or bring up the topic of our R. I am enjoying things outside of work like preparing the house where I am going to be when I visit in Seville or every little moment I share with them but it just breaks my heart to be the missing piece of the family.
I am trying to experiment different 180s but even after weeks of no contact she keeps blaming me and being harsh. I know she needs to justify what has happened and I know she knows I am a good person and father and she has built up this wall against my changes. I know changes are for me and my own future but for example performance at work has decreased, I told my manager I need a long break to find myself again and overcome all the changes but I need to pay the rent in Germany and pension until I can definitely move to Madrid / Seville.
When I am with friends and family or with my children I am an ironman, I am not joking, is when left alone or attacked by her when I go back to the misery of the early separation days. A lot of people are telling me she does not deserve that I fight for her but I have learnt to ignore them. I look better, eat better and I have recovered my confidence but it is her ignorance and contempt that is killing me inside. I have all these thoughts about how far moved on she is, if she things about our good times, if she misses me at home with the children or if she will ever consider giving our R a chance in the mid term (is only been 1.5 months). Patience, exercising and all my books are helping me a lot but it feels like nothing I can change will be noticed by her simply because we have no contact at all.
Which actions from my side say "hi W, I am here being a lighthouse for our family, I will protect and serve our family above all in my life"? I am doing the following:
> I sit down with my S6 and speak to him about how he has experienced separation, I have apologised for all the mistakes I made at home when I lost temper, I have asked him about his day to day and reassured I will be here for him always.
> I am teaching my S6 new things to show him his relationship with dad will remain as it was before
> I holding and hugging them more than I ever had. I want my S1 to feel secure and happy as he develops.
> I look better, I am optimistic, I am acting as if we were going to R, I am cheerful and I tell my W when I make plans with my children to see if she would join.
What can I do reach her? how can I make her slow down the D and reconsider family and marriage?
On thursday she had this big party at work and she left our children sleeping in the in laws for the entire night, this is something we never did as a couple and it breaks my soul she goes and does it now because she needs to go out like crazy to feel young and free again. Then on friday she handed over the kids to my parents and told them I had all the fault and I had to calm down. This is the W I am dealing with. Then she writes to me without even saying hello, I take a deep breath and answer, "good morning W". I want to be the better person, I want to show her I have clarity of mind on how valuable our family is but she keeps kicking me out. Maybe she does need to see me move on, maybe she also needs to thing, heck I am losing him forever. I have a new 180 idea, I am going to take away her safety net, I am not second option to anyone and she also has a lot of introspection to do. There will be no R without that work from her side.
I am going to book 3 IC sessions to begin with, see how it goes. Lets keep DBing, being a better person is amazing!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
