Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Rita]

Oh wow, Own, so helpful! Thank you!

I have to go through everything again and ponder/think, will try to take the time you mention though some of what is happening is deadline-based.

There are a bunch of things I left out, both because it seemed boring to include it all and also because some of it is too revealing of who/what/where.

But one thing I will say -- I think that H does want to destroy me and hurt me, yes. But mostly he just wants money. He is partly trying to hurt me over these places, but if I had a pile of money to give him for them tomorrow, I am sure he would take it and not care about hurting me by keeping them. I was reading what you were advising Pax, and I think it's similar for me, to figure out how far I want to go in being done with him and being able to start a new life, even if that means I am not getting a fair distribution. Because we have so much debt to deal with, this deal is the first way I will be able to get him to actually take responsibility for all the debt he left me with, but I am pretty sure we will have a hearing just to agree on the debts, even though it's all documented. And it will also enable a buy out, because I would be taking it off his share. The numbers work out well for me, even i I don't get what I deserve. As you say, his poor record helps to justify an advance payment of child support and anything else, but my L said that no judge here would order advance child support taken out of that, it could only happen as part of a deal, and they are not offering much in the way of deals. I would have to make an offer to take a lesser amount if it comes off up front. But basically -- the little cabin is something I could hold on to without a refi (and isn't a straw sale illegal?!), but the other place I would need to secure a refi to do. So I will either secure that refi and be able to do it, our agreement gives me right of first refusal, or I will not secure it and will have to sell.

In other words, that is out of my hands, I either get it and it works, or I don't and we sell. So everyone's advice to not hold on too tightly is built in, I have made my peace with either outcome. If I went to trial and went for sole use til kids are 18, that is the only thing that could change that outcome, but that's the risk and the stress and the expense -- and as you say, I don't have faith in my lawyer and can't afford a better one.

H abandoned us so long ago financially that I rarely think of trying to get what I am "due" for the kids. That might be a mistake or it might be pragmatic. And I saw in the court that it's a tough battle. He makes so little right now, and the imputing attempts were not going very far. It took me eight months just to get him to agree to give me $500 a month for both kids, no health insurance or any other help! and that stupid agreement I signed for the sake of peace and because my judge was so bad allowed him to have child support be a credit for me for later, to not to pay any of it until he gets his money! So that's another thing that I could try for at trial, but I might not get it. And honestly though it's all totally unfair, an extra $500 a month after all this time struggling totally alone would be a help!

It's hard to include all the relevant details here, I hope I didn't overdo it even with all the details I did give. Thank you so much for all your advice, I will study all the posts again tomorrow. I probably should have read everything before I responded to my L, I was quite DIRECT, but that's done, we'll see what response I get from him tomorrow too!

Grace and others have mentioned mediation. I am not sure I understand how that would fit in here. I think H will say no to it, but would that be a way to get the debts on the table and come up with numbers? And is it really expensive? How does anyone convince an MLCer to do that?