I've been dancing this tightrope for 6 months, trying to earn my W's trust as a father through our "MC" sessions so that she feels safe with me watching the kids. I've been labeled "violent," "abusive,' and "emotionally labile." She almost withheld the kids until I wrote a "parenting plan" at the last minute which had me consulting lawyers and worried about going to court.
Then she turns and at times calls me an "awesome person."
I've been reading a lot of may22 and KristinG's threads today. Blu had some great 2x4 comments. We all deserve better than this. Love shouldn't be this hard. I have 3 kids with my W. They are amazing, beautiful children. I hate that they have to experience their parents' D. That is the only thread left that I sometimes hang onto. But even worse would be them dealing with an anxious, depressed father who couldn't move on from a lousy MR. I can't recreate the magic we once had. It takes two. It takes a willing partner to have an open mind. And to be honest I don't know if I can ever get over what I've been through this year. Forgiveness will take me time.
I'm glad I came to DB. I'm glad I'm working on my issues. I'm already happier than I have ever been in my adult life. Maybe not day to day with some of the things that arise, but my life outlook is so much healthier and happier than ever before.
If DB is going to save my MR, it is going to be far in the future. When I first found this forum, I clipped out a quote from one of the vets. It described conditions for R. She needs to see me as someone of high value. She needs to be willing to fight for me. She needs to see a relationship with me as something more valuable than being alone, or a relationship with someone else. She's willing to work at it.
None of those conditions have been met. Not during our separation. Not during the pre-BD days for the 1-2 years before. It is an awful way to live.
I shouldn't mind-read. But I can't help thinking that this whole thing has been drawn out because my W doesn't want to feel guilty. She wanted me on board with the D. That's fine. I can't control how she thinks.
Life is a place of abundance. It is an adventure. I deserve more. I'm a little angry, a little bitter, a little sad. I'm also excited. It is completely overwhelming thinking about being a single dad for 3 kids 7 and under. Rebuilding a support network. Getting my feet set financially. Seeking love again, when the time comes.
