A year on and standing

[ToSmile]

Hi Steve,

Yes, I do hope to reconcile, but not with whom she is now.

I mentioned that was because somehow I do not want to feel like a push over and she could like get away with it and pretending that everything is all well and fine. However after a while, I kinda cool down and thought about it that there's no point for me to make it difficult for myself too.

Then I messaged her and told her look, I am not trying to make things difficult here or to challenge her to one final fight over the divorce like she mentioned. I was just bringing up the fact and have a proper closure and face what actually happened than sweeping it under the carpet.

I gave her my words that the entire thing will be amicable and I will just look to my lawyer's recommendation. Then she mentioned that she is happy that the whole thing will be amicable and she agreed we should tell the kids when they are matured enough to understand the entire thing.

She asked me to give her a chance to tell the kids first and I fill in the blanks as she feels it will be easier if it comes from her first. To which, I told her I understand why she would think of it that way but the situation will not be easy for anyone, and for the kids the toughest. I know that feeling because I was told that my dad has an active affair that had been going on for decades by my aunt although my parents are still together. That was something really tough to handle. This also made me considered before if I should buried this forever and never tell the kids...

Then after that, she thanked me for the Christmas gifts which the kids got for her that I paid for. Over the weekend I was asking the kids if they like to get something for their mum and instead of keeping it a secret till Christmas, the younger boy let the cat out of the bag. I never intend to get for her anything less her feel the pressure of pursue.

And Christmas eve, she is joining my family at my Aunt's place for a celebration and she volunteer to help me choose something my Aunt likes as after drawing the lots, I am my aunt's Secret Santa.

Sometimes, I do really find it very weird of the way she's getting involved in things and situations and with those around me and pretend like nothing has happened but yet, we are heading for a divorce.

But one thing I noted is that recently, I do get much more pleasant attitude from her. Previously I do sense much defiance from her and for some instances even when her hands were full with stuffs toppling over, she would reject when I offer the gesture just to help. On top of the improvement in communication, this morning she was trying to put on her shoes but with her hands full, she asked for my help to assist with the items first.

I don't quite get worked up with this stuff much more or feel the deep cut like how I used to. The feeling now is more like a parent learning to let go of the kid knowing that he/she will run into the wall but there's nothing I can do about it. Only in this case, it will affect my 2 sons which makes me feel crappy in this situation.

Detachment is fine, just that I need to put more effort in it particularly during this festive seasons where the mood for and as a family is strong. I try to do things which I stopped doing previously. I got a new console for the kids as their early Christmas present and was on it with them at times. Other than that, I try to gather and catch up with my friends (but during such sessions we drink alot) and also trying to get back into the routine to jog as it had been raining almost everyday here.

Now in my mind is the next festive coming up which is the Chinese New Year. I am South East Asian and we have greater celebrations for this than Christmas. There would be alot of gifting to families and reunion events. During previous years, I am the one that took care of all the gifting and expenses for this event. But now I am thinking if we are really heading towards the divorce, I would rather that she make the plan for the financial expenses for her family side and I am not going to turn up for any of the reunion events.

The outcome of that will be very big if I absence for the celebration at her side and her absence at my side. It will be akin to declaring and announcing to all extended family members it is over. So I am contemplating about that now.