Juju, you bring up a lot of good points as always. I like having a partner. I like having someone else plan something for me and making me feel special. I like spending time with someone else. It doesn’t mean I can’t be happy on my own, but I certainly prefer life with someone than without someone, all though oddly enough, I’ve been alone longer I’m my adult hood than I have been partnered.
When my lonely weekends come around and there is all this stuff I want to do experience and no one is available.... I say “I’ll just go do it on my own!” And the truth is, I’d be bored to death doing it on my own. A lot of stuff is not fun without a partner. Planning and throwing your own party stinks. And anyways, I don’t even have the funds to do it.
I also need to learn to negotiate for myself much better. I do think I’m making pretty good strides for it. I guess we will see how much better I am at it when I’m back to dating. But my BS tolerance is pretty low these days. I need a friggin man. One who is strong, cares about me, shows it and is as interested in me as I am in them. And simply is willing and excited to give as I am to give. I often think about the stupid little things I hung on to with M that I counted on to make myself feel secure and loved when I didn’t. Him simply writing a statement on a birthday card “I can’t wait to spend many more birthdays with you” I hung on to that. When he was planning things like my stupid shed as a future project, I hung on to that as he wanted to stay and loved me. I was a fool. I held on so hard and reassured myself so hard woth those little things, but I shouldn’t have needed to do that.
I had another hellish day at work today where I worked very hard and very long and I was very exhausted. My aunt is still there, my cousin is asking me to do things I have no control over and She’s not getting it. She is so stressed and overwhelmed, I get it. But she is a very rough customer and has been all her life.
My coworkers and I were discussing my one coworkers sister. Divorced, 36, 8 year old, can’t find a guy. We began talking about guys and their divorced father hood. I mentioned how I used to just want to date a dad but now I don’t want to date a guy who’s head is up his kid’s arses. Seriously. It sounds awful, but I’m sick of it. And I’m very close and involved in my daughters life, but M was so overwhelming with it. My one coworker pointed out it was all due to insecurity. It was sad. But it was true. And I’m sad he had to feel that way.
My pool of good men is narrowing. I’m so picky now, I want an involved dad but one with balance and comfortable in his parent role. Not easy to find.
I predict singledom for another 12 years, god help me.
