Confused and Lost II

[KristinG]

Blu,

Thank you for posting your thoughts. I can tell you really spent some time thinking about what you wrote. To answer your question, yes, I do feel pathetic. Your advice is spot on. AS & R2C (with others) have been adamant that I go dark as well. I have tried several times to do just that and I feel pathetic every time I fail so I am working towards being able to follow through the next time I say that I need space. It seems like many on here have WS's that are cruel and have rewritten history and mine is quite the opposite. It's so hard when WS's say everything that we want to hear. "When we get a house and are back together..." "When I'm a stay-at-home wife again and we're back together.." ETC...

I'm working to prepare myself for dropping the rope. I finally got an appointment with the only quality IC group in my area. I live in a rural setting and have tried a couple of counselors that gave no homework or feedback - talking to a wall would have been more productive. The waiting list for the practice was over 4 months long and I'm finally approaching my appointment in mid January. My personal goal is to get through the holidays and then, with the help of friends here and IC, move forward with going dark.

Right now it is a rollercoaster I want to exit. I am out of barf bags and it's not a fun ride. Lately, I am tired of this pretend relationship in which we talk all the time, see each other often, but aren't "together". It leaves me feeling unattractive and rejected. I want a commitment, not a friend. It scares me because I don't even know if I could move through all of this pain even if she wanted to come back. I don't believe she will ever be strong enough to leave OW and will insist upon a friendship and for obvious reasons I would not be comfortable with that. I think she has convinced herself that since "we're not together", she isn't cheating and/or isn't betraying anything. I also hate that all of her house and personal stuff has stickers and decorations from the OW's place of business (gag).

I will read and re-read your post Blu. Thank you for offering such thoughtful advice and cutting straight to the heart of it.



IW,

I hope you are rejuvenated and have had a smooth return! Thanks for stopping by on my thread and I will definitely catch up on yours. And yes, the meditation is great when anything feels overwhelming. It's amazing how a few deep breaths and focusing on blocking everything swirling in your mind can help to re-center your thoughts.

KG