Hi, Like so many others here I’m hoping for some guidance if I may.
My story Been married 11 yrs together 16 – two Children, S10, D7.
Over the last 3-4 years, now and then we would have periods of standoffs. One wouldn’t speak to the other about something, that would escalate then die down and return to normal. Each time we would say to eachother that we need to communicate more and think no more of it.
Fast forward to May this year. We had another episode as described above. This appears to be the final straw for my W. She said to me that that she can’t do this anymore, she didn’t know if she wanted or had the energy to carry on the same cycle. Of course my immediate response was this time lets really sort it out. Probably words she knew I would say. And I would mean them, but I guess I never did my part to really back them up.
Since then we still slept in the same bed, but no intimacy. Time went on, situation remained the same and by August I realised actually this time she is absolutely serious. So I did a lot of soul searching and indulged in looking back for triggers in my behaviour that has brought about this situation. I realised that I needed help. I went to the Docs and was prescribed anti- depressants, and booked myself with a C to talk about my issues.
During this time, my W had begun detaching, initiating steps for us to separate. Emails/texts/calls took a business like tone and I fell into the trap of desperately trying to cling on. Constant ILY’s reminders of what we had, marriage vows – you name it, I did it! Turns out that was the worst thing. I was pressing the wrong buttons. It has steeled her resolve that she is right. So, through C, I learnt I needed to validate her feelings and also understand my fear of conflict. I come from a divorced family, and whilst I was young, it has impacted on my life hugely. Conflict was never dealt with, and I would shy away from it with my W, because I’d associated it with my upbringing and feared that we would have the same result. Instead by shying away it has created the situation I’m in!
I have been reading self help books, have immersed myself in DR and tried to apply all the steps that ‘talk’ to me and the situation. Where I’m at now you may ask? Since September I have moved into spare room. We are living separately, but engaging for the childrens sake, and found a workable solution that allows this situation to play out. At her behest we have attended Mediation, separately, and following my meeting I understand it is purely a function to navigate full and final separation, custody, family plans , financials etc. And I guess ultimately Divorce. Note this hasn’t been mentioned explicitly by her in any correspondence, conversations so don’t know if she is feeding the parting of ways in baby steps or not!
Well this is where I need some guidance. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a letter to my W, validating her feelings. I didn’t cast any blame on her, though I know it does take two for these situations to arise I didn’t make it about me and what I was frustrated with. That she tried to reach out many times, and I would pull away (the fear), and then I would do the same, with the same result. I wanted her to understand that I really did understand her view. And I do. I am fully committed to my M, and even more so as reading DR has resonated so deeply within me. I love my W, without question. Unconditionally infact. And I have realised that I was placing conditions upon her to fulfil my happiness. In return she wrote back to me last week, underlining that she ‘can’t carry on anymore’ and ‘she doesn’t want to try’. I thought ok, this is it. Time to throw in the towel. But I go back to advice I’ve read on this forum and the DR book. Let it be and settle in my mind. Be positive etc etc. And things at home have been easier to bear, we sometimes eat together but the talk is about Kids and the logistics of their lives. Even thoughtful gestures coming my way, that weren’t there before. However, W sent me an email about how we spend Christmas and when I want to attend Mediation to start the process of disentanglement. With me adopting DR techniques, and taking heart that there was a change – the email flummoxed me and instead of writing back on impulse and either refusing to engage or throwing in towel and saying right lets get on with it, I replied in acknowledgement that I have read her mail, but could I get back to her on it. What I’m struggling with is how I maintain course, when agreeing to her request seems counterintuitive to my aim to save our M, yet responding in a way that keeps the wins coming? Any input, any further detail that would help please let me know. I’m trying my best Chaz
